The last month or two has been horrible, but out of it, some good things happened.
I'm drawing a black curtain over the bad - it's not over, but the bad situation is now [mostly] brought to light (it's work stuff, I'm tired of talking about it), and hopefully things will improve. I give it another month or two, or until I get a better offer.
The good thing is, that out of the bad, I made a new friend. A good friend. Not a flake, not a snob - a real, *real* person. And that is so nice. In addition to that, I've grown closer to some other people I work with, and finally gotten on the good side of some other people who I never really worked with before. I guess when people unite against a common cause, or in this case a person, they grow closer.
So, black curtain... new friends...
There are some other pretty big stressors in my life right now but they will work themselves out.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
[Insert Title]
I don't know why people say that depression feels like it's raining inside... it feels like a dank, dark, slimy wall that you have no desire to climb through or over.
I cried on the way home today.
Nightmares, stress knots, anxiety. Worthless.
What the fuck, and why the fuck?
my life is good.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Rethinking
Good morning.
I have only a few minutes before heading out to work, but I'd like to maybe try to put some of my thoughts and feelings into coherent form before I go, and I know I've already said some of this in earlier posts.
What's the point in life? We live, we (maybe) reproduce, we die. Our reproduction dies. Everyone dies. So, what's the point in living a life only for death? Technically, I think, there is no point. The sole purpose of life is evolution of a species. My psychiatrist told me that, perhaps, a purpose in life, or rather, in doing things in life - being a certain way, is to make the life of future generations a happier journey.
Speaking of life and death, I have somewhat convoluted ideas, and really, it is a mystery what happens afterward. Religious people believe that souls go to a heaven, where everyone is happy and singing and fucking virgins, or what-have-you... atheists says that everything dies when the body dies, that there is nothing remaining of your presence. Some people believe in ghosts. I am open to the idea of free-floating spirits, or presences, if you'd rather. Not technically ghosts, though I'm pretty sure I may have seen one or two in the past. But, you know that feeling you get when you're with someone, and sometimes, suddenly, you feel it again - even though you know that person is gone? And it's not a creepy feeling - it's a happy feeling, or whatever feeling you primarily felt around that person? I'm open to the idea that that persons' free-floating spirit, or whatever you want to call it, is there.
And yeah, it might be silly to even be trying to analyze this. But, a few days after grandma died, I felt her, in my kitchen. Only for a fleeting moment, but it was as if she just popped out from behind the counter bar and said Boo! then laughed and then floated away.
My psychiatrist said that our conversation reminded her of philosophy class.
With all that said, I've really been rethinking my reasons for taking college classes in the effort to get my degree. Grandma was the only person who really cared about, encouraged, or took pride in, my continuing education. I really wanted to graduate before she died... but, things happen, and college is expensive. Besides all of that, I don't feel like I want to go in the direction that my professors want me to go. They want me to focus on literary fiction, which is fine; I can write it, but that's not what I ultimately want to write. I want to write adventure! Exciting stories with imaginative elements, not social commentary hidden inside of a cryptic, unsatisfying book. If I even write at all. And if I do continue writing, I don't need a degree to do so. BUT, I know I'm going to feel unaccomplished if I never get my degree. It'll always be something that I should have done.
I have only a few minutes before heading out to work, but I'd like to maybe try to put some of my thoughts and feelings into coherent form before I go, and I know I've already said some of this in earlier posts.
What's the point in life? We live, we (maybe) reproduce, we die. Our reproduction dies. Everyone dies. So, what's the point in living a life only for death? Technically, I think, there is no point. The sole purpose of life is evolution of a species. My psychiatrist told me that, perhaps, a purpose in life, or rather, in doing things in life - being a certain way, is to make the life of future generations a happier journey.
Speaking of life and death, I have somewhat convoluted ideas, and really, it is a mystery what happens afterward. Religious people believe that souls go to a heaven, where everyone is happy and singing and fucking virgins, or what-have-you... atheists says that everything dies when the body dies, that there is nothing remaining of your presence. Some people believe in ghosts. I am open to the idea of free-floating spirits, or presences, if you'd rather. Not technically ghosts, though I'm pretty sure I may have seen one or two in the past. But, you know that feeling you get when you're with someone, and sometimes, suddenly, you feel it again - even though you know that person is gone? And it's not a creepy feeling - it's a happy feeling, or whatever feeling you primarily felt around that person? I'm open to the idea that that persons' free-floating spirit, or whatever you want to call it, is there.
And yeah, it might be silly to even be trying to analyze this. But, a few days after grandma died, I felt her, in my kitchen. Only for a fleeting moment, but it was as if she just popped out from behind the counter bar and said Boo! then laughed and then floated away.
My psychiatrist said that our conversation reminded her of philosophy class.
With all that said, I've really been rethinking my reasons for taking college classes in the effort to get my degree. Grandma was the only person who really cared about, encouraged, or took pride in, my continuing education. I really wanted to graduate before she died... but, things happen, and college is expensive. Besides all of that, I don't feel like I want to go in the direction that my professors want me to go. They want me to focus on literary fiction, which is fine; I can write it, but that's not what I ultimately want to write. I want to write adventure! Exciting stories with imaginative elements, not social commentary hidden inside of a cryptic, unsatisfying book. If I even write at all. And if I do continue writing, I don't need a degree to do so. BUT, I know I'm going to feel unaccomplished if I never get my degree. It'll always be something that I should have done.
_____________________
Ben and I went to Lightning in a Bottle this past weekend. It is basically a three-day music festival in Silverado, CA. It sold out at 10,000 people, and everyone brought tents, or RV's, or camped out in their cars. There were yoga classes every day, inspirational (hippie) talks, artists propping canvases against trees and painting, people hula-hooping and dancing all throughout the day. Imagine woodstock in the 60's. That's what it seemed like. Everyone was dressing in loose, flowing clothes, or in steampunk clothes, feathers in the hair, feather hairdresses or hats, chaps, costumes, topless, and nearly everyone on some kind of drug, or three - myself no exception, and it wasn't pot.
While I didn't feel the whole 'connecting with the earth' and completeness and sense of wholeness that other people were talking about, I do feel more connected with myself that I have in a long while. Which is how I'm writing this post, and becoming quite wordy in the process. I had been considering dropping completely off the face of the internet, cutting ties with many people completely, and was generally depressed. I still am, to some degree, but it's better now.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
That's All.
I'm on a downward spiral. Time to leave the face of the internet and let the chips fall where they may.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Meh.
Limbo is a strange state.
That's all. I've nothing else to say, really.
Today I bought a mousepad - finally. Moving on up in the world.
I found a desk I wanted, but because of technical glitches, the store was unable to sell it to me.
I'm trying not to drink this week, since I drank something literally every day last week. Not a lot, but just a corona light or two. But my weight is good, so, why should I even be watching my alcohol intake? Oh, society... anyway, that resolution excludes a few sips of sake.
That's all. I've nothing else to say, really.
Today I bought a mousepad - finally. Moving on up in the world.
I found a desk I wanted, but because of technical glitches, the store was unable to sell it to me.
I'm trying not to drink this week, since I drank something literally every day last week. Not a lot, but just a corona light or two. But my weight is good, so, why should I even be watching my alcohol intake? Oh, society... anyway, that resolution excludes a few sips of sake.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Attempt to Update
Hello readers. I'm going to do my best to update you on what's going on in the Life of Beth lately... but my mind is rather blank.
Family. Grandma has, at the most, nine or ten more days, according to the doctor. She removed her food IV, and within a couple of days will be in a coma. Sarah, my sister, is pregnant again, thus goes the circle of life. The twins, last time I talked to them, are doing OK.
Living Situation. This is actually going well. I was able to break off my lease, and thus will be able to start saving money/paying off more debt next month. Other than the longer drive to work on two freeways, the transition is finally settling down. There are still some areas we need to work out, namely a computer desk for me downstairs, and I'd like to get some rugs for the downstairs since they're all tile and pretty cold. Ben has been very helpful and adaptable with moving everything around. Now, if the kitties will just adapt to each other...
School. My semester is over. I'm taking at least the summer off. An online college offers the next course I need, but I've seriously been considering giving up the whole 'writing thing'. It's SO hard, and I'm so tired. And I've been seriously doubting my ability to write anything in-depth, or even in enough quantity to actually finish anything. The thing about writing is that you never, ever get a break from it. When you're not writing, you're thinking about writing, and stressing out about not writing. It takes a toll. Why can't I just go to work, come home and relax like most other normal people?
Re-Evaluating. During my younger years, people often commented on my brains and talents... but hey, I grew up in a small town, and the world is freaking huge. My talents and brain are, at best, average. I don't consider myself sharp, or even extraordinarily bright. That phase, the 17-23 year old phase, when people think they're invincible, is over. I am who I am, and I'm tired of trying to please everyone or convince them of my value. Actions are more powerful than words.
Family. Grandma has, at the most, nine or ten more days, according to the doctor. She removed her food IV, and within a couple of days will be in a coma. Sarah, my sister, is pregnant again, thus goes the circle of life. The twins, last time I talked to them, are doing OK.
Living Situation. This is actually going well. I was able to break off my lease, and thus will be able to start saving money/paying off more debt next month. Other than the longer drive to work on two freeways, the transition is finally settling down. There are still some areas we need to work out, namely a computer desk for me downstairs, and I'd like to get some rugs for the downstairs since they're all tile and pretty cold. Ben has been very helpful and adaptable with moving everything around. Now, if the kitties will just adapt to each other...
School. My semester is over. I'm taking at least the summer off. An online college offers the next course I need, but I've seriously been considering giving up the whole 'writing thing'. It's SO hard, and I'm so tired. And I've been seriously doubting my ability to write anything in-depth, or even in enough quantity to actually finish anything. The thing about writing is that you never, ever get a break from it. When you're not writing, you're thinking about writing, and stressing out about not writing. It takes a toll. Why can't I just go to work, come home and relax like most other normal people?
Re-Evaluating. During my younger years, people often commented on my brains and talents... but hey, I grew up in a small town, and the world is freaking huge. My talents and brain are, at best, average. I don't consider myself sharp, or even extraordinarily bright. That phase, the 17-23 year old phase, when people think they're invincible, is over. I am who I am, and I'm tired of trying to please everyone or convince them of my value. Actions are more powerful than words.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
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