The last month or two has been horrible, but out of it, some good things happened.
I'm drawing a black curtain over the bad - it's not over, but the bad situation is now [mostly] brought to light (it's work stuff, I'm tired of talking about it), and hopefully things will improve. I give it another month or two, or until I get a better offer.
The good thing is, that out of the bad, I made a new friend. A good friend. Not a flake, not a snob - a real, *real* person. And that is so nice. In addition to that, I've grown closer to some other people I work with, and finally gotten on the good side of some other people who I never really worked with before. I guess when people unite against a common cause, or in this case a person, they grow closer.
So, black curtain... new friends...
There are some other pretty big stressors in my life right now but they will work themselves out.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
[Insert Title]
I don't know why people say that depression feels like it's raining inside... it feels like a dank, dark, slimy wall that you have no desire to climb through or over.
I cried on the way home today.
Nightmares, stress knots, anxiety. Worthless.
What the fuck, and why the fuck?
my life is good.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Rethinking
Good morning.
I have only a few minutes before heading out to work, but I'd like to maybe try to put some of my thoughts and feelings into coherent form before I go, and I know I've already said some of this in earlier posts.
What's the point in life? We live, we (maybe) reproduce, we die. Our reproduction dies. Everyone dies. So, what's the point in living a life only for death? Technically, I think, there is no point. The sole purpose of life is evolution of a species. My psychiatrist told me that, perhaps, a purpose in life, or rather, in doing things in life - being a certain way, is to make the life of future generations a happier journey.
Speaking of life and death, I have somewhat convoluted ideas, and really, it is a mystery what happens afterward. Religious people believe that souls go to a heaven, where everyone is happy and singing and fucking virgins, or what-have-you... atheists says that everything dies when the body dies, that there is nothing remaining of your presence. Some people believe in ghosts. I am open to the idea of free-floating spirits, or presences, if you'd rather. Not technically ghosts, though I'm pretty sure I may have seen one or two in the past. But, you know that feeling you get when you're with someone, and sometimes, suddenly, you feel it again - even though you know that person is gone? And it's not a creepy feeling - it's a happy feeling, or whatever feeling you primarily felt around that person? I'm open to the idea that that persons' free-floating spirit, or whatever you want to call it, is there.
And yeah, it might be silly to even be trying to analyze this. But, a few days after grandma died, I felt her, in my kitchen. Only for a fleeting moment, but it was as if she just popped out from behind the counter bar and said Boo! then laughed and then floated away.
My psychiatrist said that our conversation reminded her of philosophy class.
With all that said, I've really been rethinking my reasons for taking college classes in the effort to get my degree. Grandma was the only person who really cared about, encouraged, or took pride in, my continuing education. I really wanted to graduate before she died... but, things happen, and college is expensive. Besides all of that, I don't feel like I want to go in the direction that my professors want me to go. They want me to focus on literary fiction, which is fine; I can write it, but that's not what I ultimately want to write. I want to write adventure! Exciting stories with imaginative elements, not social commentary hidden inside of a cryptic, unsatisfying book. If I even write at all. And if I do continue writing, I don't need a degree to do so. BUT, I know I'm going to feel unaccomplished if I never get my degree. It'll always be something that I should have done.
I have only a few minutes before heading out to work, but I'd like to maybe try to put some of my thoughts and feelings into coherent form before I go, and I know I've already said some of this in earlier posts.
What's the point in life? We live, we (maybe) reproduce, we die. Our reproduction dies. Everyone dies. So, what's the point in living a life only for death? Technically, I think, there is no point. The sole purpose of life is evolution of a species. My psychiatrist told me that, perhaps, a purpose in life, or rather, in doing things in life - being a certain way, is to make the life of future generations a happier journey.
Speaking of life and death, I have somewhat convoluted ideas, and really, it is a mystery what happens afterward. Religious people believe that souls go to a heaven, where everyone is happy and singing and fucking virgins, or what-have-you... atheists says that everything dies when the body dies, that there is nothing remaining of your presence. Some people believe in ghosts. I am open to the idea of free-floating spirits, or presences, if you'd rather. Not technically ghosts, though I'm pretty sure I may have seen one or two in the past. But, you know that feeling you get when you're with someone, and sometimes, suddenly, you feel it again - even though you know that person is gone? And it's not a creepy feeling - it's a happy feeling, or whatever feeling you primarily felt around that person? I'm open to the idea that that persons' free-floating spirit, or whatever you want to call it, is there.
And yeah, it might be silly to even be trying to analyze this. But, a few days after grandma died, I felt her, in my kitchen. Only for a fleeting moment, but it was as if she just popped out from behind the counter bar and said Boo! then laughed and then floated away.
My psychiatrist said that our conversation reminded her of philosophy class.
With all that said, I've really been rethinking my reasons for taking college classes in the effort to get my degree. Grandma was the only person who really cared about, encouraged, or took pride in, my continuing education. I really wanted to graduate before she died... but, things happen, and college is expensive. Besides all of that, I don't feel like I want to go in the direction that my professors want me to go. They want me to focus on literary fiction, which is fine; I can write it, but that's not what I ultimately want to write. I want to write adventure! Exciting stories with imaginative elements, not social commentary hidden inside of a cryptic, unsatisfying book. If I even write at all. And if I do continue writing, I don't need a degree to do so. BUT, I know I'm going to feel unaccomplished if I never get my degree. It'll always be something that I should have done.
_____________________
Ben and I went to Lightning in a Bottle this past weekend. It is basically a three-day music festival in Silverado, CA. It sold out at 10,000 people, and everyone brought tents, or RV's, or camped out in their cars. There were yoga classes every day, inspirational (hippie) talks, artists propping canvases against trees and painting, people hula-hooping and dancing all throughout the day. Imagine woodstock in the 60's. That's what it seemed like. Everyone was dressing in loose, flowing clothes, or in steampunk clothes, feathers in the hair, feather hairdresses or hats, chaps, costumes, topless, and nearly everyone on some kind of drug, or three - myself no exception, and it wasn't pot.
While I didn't feel the whole 'connecting with the earth' and completeness and sense of wholeness that other people were talking about, I do feel more connected with myself that I have in a long while. Which is how I'm writing this post, and becoming quite wordy in the process. I had been considering dropping completely off the face of the internet, cutting ties with many people completely, and was generally depressed. I still am, to some degree, but it's better now.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
That's All.
I'm on a downward spiral. Time to leave the face of the internet and let the chips fall where they may.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Meh.
Limbo is a strange state.
That's all. I've nothing else to say, really.
Today I bought a mousepad - finally. Moving on up in the world.
I found a desk I wanted, but because of technical glitches, the store was unable to sell it to me.
I'm trying not to drink this week, since I drank something literally every day last week. Not a lot, but just a corona light or two. But my weight is good, so, why should I even be watching my alcohol intake? Oh, society... anyway, that resolution excludes a few sips of sake.
That's all. I've nothing else to say, really.
Today I bought a mousepad - finally. Moving on up in the world.
I found a desk I wanted, but because of technical glitches, the store was unable to sell it to me.
I'm trying not to drink this week, since I drank something literally every day last week. Not a lot, but just a corona light or two. But my weight is good, so, why should I even be watching my alcohol intake? Oh, society... anyway, that resolution excludes a few sips of sake.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Attempt to Update
Hello readers. I'm going to do my best to update you on what's going on in the Life of Beth lately... but my mind is rather blank.
Family. Grandma has, at the most, nine or ten more days, according to the doctor. She removed her food IV, and within a couple of days will be in a coma. Sarah, my sister, is pregnant again, thus goes the circle of life. The twins, last time I talked to them, are doing OK.
Living Situation. This is actually going well. I was able to break off my lease, and thus will be able to start saving money/paying off more debt next month. Other than the longer drive to work on two freeways, the transition is finally settling down. There are still some areas we need to work out, namely a computer desk for me downstairs, and I'd like to get some rugs for the downstairs since they're all tile and pretty cold. Ben has been very helpful and adaptable with moving everything around. Now, if the kitties will just adapt to each other...
School. My semester is over. I'm taking at least the summer off. An online college offers the next course I need, but I've seriously been considering giving up the whole 'writing thing'. It's SO hard, and I'm so tired. And I've been seriously doubting my ability to write anything in-depth, or even in enough quantity to actually finish anything. The thing about writing is that you never, ever get a break from it. When you're not writing, you're thinking about writing, and stressing out about not writing. It takes a toll. Why can't I just go to work, come home and relax like most other normal people?
Re-Evaluating. During my younger years, people often commented on my brains and talents... but hey, I grew up in a small town, and the world is freaking huge. My talents and brain are, at best, average. I don't consider myself sharp, or even extraordinarily bright. That phase, the 17-23 year old phase, when people think they're invincible, is over. I am who I am, and I'm tired of trying to please everyone or convince them of my value. Actions are more powerful than words.
Family. Grandma has, at the most, nine or ten more days, according to the doctor. She removed her food IV, and within a couple of days will be in a coma. Sarah, my sister, is pregnant again, thus goes the circle of life. The twins, last time I talked to them, are doing OK.
Living Situation. This is actually going well. I was able to break off my lease, and thus will be able to start saving money/paying off more debt next month. Other than the longer drive to work on two freeways, the transition is finally settling down. There are still some areas we need to work out, namely a computer desk for me downstairs, and I'd like to get some rugs for the downstairs since they're all tile and pretty cold. Ben has been very helpful and adaptable with moving everything around. Now, if the kitties will just adapt to each other...
School. My semester is over. I'm taking at least the summer off. An online college offers the next course I need, but I've seriously been considering giving up the whole 'writing thing'. It's SO hard, and I'm so tired. And I've been seriously doubting my ability to write anything in-depth, or even in enough quantity to actually finish anything. The thing about writing is that you never, ever get a break from it. When you're not writing, you're thinking about writing, and stressing out about not writing. It takes a toll. Why can't I just go to work, come home and relax like most other normal people?
Re-Evaluating. During my younger years, people often commented on my brains and talents... but hey, I grew up in a small town, and the world is freaking huge. My talents and brain are, at best, average. I don't consider myself sharp, or even extraordinarily bright. That phase, the 17-23 year old phase, when people think they're invincible, is over. I am who I am, and I'm tired of trying to please everyone or convince them of my value. Actions are more powerful than words.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
.... Biting My Tongue.
What a crappy, no-good, stupid day. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.
Let me give you some history.
Friday Evening.
Got off work. Yippee! Gin and grapefruit juice! Yay! Three! Hi Ben! Let's go eat spicy Mexican! OK! MMMM... YUM. Margaritas! Ben, I'm freaking out! Why? This whole thing about moving in with you! My stomach is in knots! We may as well just move in right away to get the whole thing over with so I won't be freaking out for 45 more days! I need to pass out now...
Saturday Morning.
10AM. Driving home, Ben in tow. We pack my entire apartment up into a uhaul truck and drive it over to his house. We unload.
Sunday.
We arrange. We relax. We drink. We sleep.
Monday.
I wake up early because I have to drive to work from his place and it's farther away and rush hour traffic and new penalty-for-tardies thing at work. Work all day. Come home and cook and drink gin and juice and talk. I go to sleep.
Tuesday (today).
I wake up periodically and frequently throughout the night, thinking that it's time to go to work. It's only 2:30. 4:00. 4:30. Getting close now. 5:30. RAATE RAATE RAATE... So tired... drive to work. Two people short. TONS to do. TONS more come in throughout the day. Stupid coworker piles more shit on my desk without even bothering to ask if I have the time. Same stupid coworker does a stupid thing that costs me a good amount of time-sensitive time. Same stupid coworkers has to leave early but can't say why, and that means I have to stay late to cover the phones. Fire is breathing through my eyes, and my brain is exploding glass shards while I talk to Very.Old.Southern.Gentlemen.Agents.Who.Do.Not.Understand.Computers.
I did not stay late. It's not my job to pick up the slack from stupid coworkers scheduled time. I went to get my mail, and drove home through stupid rush hour traffic - have to take the highways now since I live further. No good music because I'm tired of the cd's in my dash, and I didn't take the time to replace them so I'm stuck with the stupid, stupid radio. STARVING.
And the cats still fucking hate each other.
Let me give you some history.
Friday Evening.
Got off work. Yippee! Gin and grapefruit juice! Yay! Three! Hi Ben! Let's go eat spicy Mexican! OK! MMMM... YUM. Margaritas! Ben, I'm freaking out! Why? This whole thing about moving in with you! My stomach is in knots! We may as well just move in right away to get the whole thing over with so I won't be freaking out for 45 more days! I need to pass out now...
Saturday Morning.
10AM. Driving home, Ben in tow. We pack my entire apartment up into a uhaul truck and drive it over to his house. We unload.
Sunday.
We arrange. We relax. We drink. We sleep.
Monday.
I wake up early because I have to drive to work from his place and it's farther away and rush hour traffic and new penalty-for-tardies thing at work. Work all day. Come home and cook and drink gin and juice and talk. I go to sleep.
Tuesday (today).
I wake up periodically and frequently throughout the night, thinking that it's time to go to work. It's only 2:30. 4:00. 4:30. Getting close now. 5:30. RAATE RAATE RAATE... So tired... drive to work. Two people short. TONS to do. TONS more come in throughout the day. Stupid coworker piles more shit on my desk without even bothering to ask if I have the time. Same stupid coworker does a stupid thing that costs me a good amount of time-sensitive time. Same stupid coworkers has to leave early but can't say why, and that means I have to stay late to cover the phones. Fire is breathing through my eyes, and my brain is exploding glass shards while I talk to Very.Old.Southern.Gentlemen.Agents.Who.Do.Not.Understand.Computers.
I did not stay late. It's not my job to pick up the slack from stupid coworkers scheduled time. I went to get my mail, and drove home through stupid rush hour traffic - have to take the highways now since I live further. No good music because I'm tired of the cd's in my dash, and I didn't take the time to replace them so I'm stuck with the stupid, stupid radio. STARVING.
And the cats still fucking hate each other.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
This Was Unexpected
I totally wasn't expecting this. A free, relaxing night! Either that, or I'm forgetting something.
This calls for another baked potato dinner... and corona (or grapefruit juice & tanqueray)and popcorn over a movie which I shall select later from Ben's Netflix account, which he so nicely leaves logged in at my place.
I also brought home three big, sturdy boxes from work because... I have decided to move in with Ben. The idea has me rather panicked, but my brain tells me that it will be OK. He's already taken over a few of my nicknacks, or 'trinkets', as he calls them. I call them 'conversation starters'. Or dust-catchers. Or nicknacks. He also took over some picture frames that I've had laying around because I have no shelves or tables to set them on. So tonight, the plan is to start packing up some of my books, although we're not planning to be completely moved in for another 45 days. 45 days! Yikes! omg omg omg. Nerves go away. Xanax, plz.
I don't know what I'm so scared of.
In other news, I get a bonus next Friday. AND a paycheck. My bonus will be nearly three times as big as my regular 2-week paycheck, if not more (I've had an awesome quarter performance-wise). Every penny is going toward the loan. It'll take a huge chunk out of it. The sooner I pay that monster off, the better.
So, the $25 grocery list that I was talking about a couple of weeks ago... didn't work. I went to the grocery store after 3 or 4 Chambord margaritas the day I got home from Iowa, and spent about $160. A good chunk of that went toward alcohol. A big case of Corona Lights, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of tanqueray, and two bottles of wine. And a huge drawerful of leafy green vegetables, which I've been steadily working through all week. They're delicious. As is the Corona.
Next week I'll do better - no need to get groceries this weekend!
This calls for another baked potato dinner... and corona (or grapefruit juice & tanqueray)and popcorn over a movie which I shall select later from Ben's Netflix account, which he so nicely leaves logged in at my place.
I also brought home three big, sturdy boxes from work because... I have decided to move in with Ben. The idea has me rather panicked, but my brain tells me that it will be OK. He's already taken over a few of my nicknacks, or 'trinkets', as he calls them. I call them 'conversation starters'. Or dust-catchers. Or nicknacks. He also took over some picture frames that I've had laying around because I have no shelves or tables to set them on. So tonight, the plan is to start packing up some of my books, although we're not planning to be completely moved in for another 45 days. 45 days! Yikes! omg omg omg. Nerves go away. Xanax, plz.
I don't know what I'm so scared of.
In other news, I get a bonus next Friday. AND a paycheck. My bonus will be nearly three times as big as my regular 2-week paycheck, if not more (I've had an awesome quarter performance-wise). Every penny is going toward the loan. It'll take a huge chunk out of it. The sooner I pay that monster off, the better.
So, the $25 grocery list that I was talking about a couple of weeks ago... didn't work. I went to the grocery store after 3 or 4 Chambord margaritas the day I got home from Iowa, and spent about $160. A good chunk of that went toward alcohol. A big case of Corona Lights, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of tanqueray, and two bottles of wine. And a huge drawerful of leafy green vegetables, which I've been steadily working through all week. They're delicious. As is the Corona.
Next week I'll do better - no need to get groceries this weekend!
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Truth About Potatoes & A Horrendous Week
Colcannon Stuffed Baked Potatoes
Tonight I made the potatoes above. At least, I tried. My potato shells didn't really work, so I just mashed the whole thing. And I added a little bit of tomato and some red onion. I don't have bacon, but that would have been even more incredible. As it was, my potato was Fucking.Amazing. Try the recipe :)
The past week has been pretty ghastly. Depressing. Sad. Exhausting. Monday & Tuesday, my department at work all went to Chicago. At the airport in Chicago while waiting for my flight back, I got the news that my grandma was in the hospital, and had been for an entire week. No one had thought to tell my sister and I before then. Which royally pissed me off.
Grandma is the type of woman who doesn't, or didn't, ever go to the doctor. So when she went last year, they found that she had ovarian cancer, and it had spread throughout her body. She went through chemo, and they thought it was gone. A few weeks ago, I learned that it had resurfaced in three new spots, and that doctor recommended against doing chemo again.
I didn't realize it was so fast-moving.
As soon as I got home, I booked a ticket to Iowa. I left the next evening, on a red-eye flight. My dad, sister and uncle were all there at the hospital.
I don't like seeing my grandma the way that I saw her. I know she has only a short time left; she's finalizing all of her affairs and knows the end is near.
I always assumed that she'd be the last one to go, but it appears she'll be the first.
I got home yesterday morning. We won't be able to make it back for the funeral. It's a matter of vacation time and money. While I'm devastated at the situation, I'm glad that I got to go see her one last time. I hope her pain ends soon.
Tonight I made the potatoes above. At least, I tried. My potato shells didn't really work, so I just mashed the whole thing. And I added a little bit of tomato and some red onion. I don't have bacon, but that would have been even more incredible. As it was, my potato was Fucking.Amazing. Try the recipe :)
________________________
The past week has been pretty ghastly. Depressing. Sad. Exhausting. Monday & Tuesday, my department at work all went to Chicago. At the airport in Chicago while waiting for my flight back, I got the news that my grandma was in the hospital, and had been for an entire week. No one had thought to tell my sister and I before then. Which royally pissed me off.
Grandma is the type of woman who doesn't, or didn't, ever go to the doctor. So when she went last year, they found that she had ovarian cancer, and it had spread throughout her body. She went through chemo, and they thought it was gone. A few weeks ago, I learned that it had resurfaced in three new spots, and that doctor recommended against doing chemo again.
I didn't realize it was so fast-moving.
As soon as I got home, I booked a ticket to Iowa. I left the next evening, on a red-eye flight. My dad, sister and uncle were all there at the hospital.
I don't like seeing my grandma the way that I saw her. I know she has only a short time left; she's finalizing all of her affairs and knows the end is near.
I always assumed that she'd be the last one to go, but it appears she'll be the first.
I got home yesterday morning. We won't be able to make it back for the funeral. It's a matter of vacation time and money. While I'm devastated at the situation, I'm glad that I got to go see her one last time. I hope her pain ends soon.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
It Must Be Working
This weekend, I proved to myself that I can eat healthy, or at least low-calorie, over the weekends. Friday night, Ben and I went to a sports bar, where I ordered a swordfish filet with asparagus and rice, and only two beers. That was after a day of salad. I didn't eat much rice, so most of my calories were from the beer.
Saturday, we went to the Great American BBQ & Beer Festival. We skipped breakfast, and I had a pulled-pork sandwich, and a few hours later, so more pulled pork without the bread. Over the course of the day, I had two beers. That evening, we checked out the sushi place down the road from Ben's place. I ordered salmon sashimi, and one roll, which was wrapped in cucumber instead of rice. Very low-calorie, and I didn't even have sake!
Today, we again skipped breakfast - I know, that's not the best thing to do, but when you wake up so late, it kind of just happens. We went to Jamba Juice because Ben had a groupon which was expiring soon. I got a fit-and-fruitful smoothie, which consisted of 390 calories.
And this evening, I conjured up (from my empty cabinets) a tuna salad wrap with raw veggies on the side. *I* think it's delicious.
Tomorrow morning I head to Chicago - it might be difficult to keep up the low-calorie options there, but I will do my best! Unless we go to a steak place, in such case I will order a fat juicy steak with vegetables.
As it is, when I weighed myself yesterday morning, I was down 119.4 pounds.
*fistpump*
Saturday, we went to the Great American BBQ & Beer Festival. We skipped breakfast, and I had a pulled-pork sandwich, and a few hours later, so more pulled pork without the bread. Over the course of the day, I had two beers. That evening, we checked out the sushi place down the road from Ben's place. I ordered salmon sashimi, and one roll, which was wrapped in cucumber instead of rice. Very low-calorie, and I didn't even have sake!
Today, we again skipped breakfast - I know, that's not the best thing to do, but when you wake up so late, it kind of just happens. We went to Jamba Juice because Ben had a groupon which was expiring soon. I got a fit-and-fruitful smoothie, which consisted of 390 calories.And this evening, I conjured up (from my empty cabinets) a tuna salad wrap with raw veggies on the side. *I* think it's delicious.
Tomorrow morning I head to Chicago - it might be difficult to keep up the low-calorie options there, but I will do my best! Unless we go to a steak place, in such case I will order a fat juicy steak with vegetables.
As it is, when I weighed myself yesterday morning, I was down 119.4 pounds.
*fistpump*
Thursday, March 22, 2012
It Was Bound To Happen
It was also vegetarian. I heated up some spicy black bean veggie burgers, tore them in pieces, put them in a tortilla and added red onion, cheese and salsa.
The veggie burger and tortilla didn't really mix, but it wasn't bad. Just... sustenance.
Tomorrow morning I'll cook my last egg over-medium, eat a slice of that soda bread (there are still several pieces left), and eat another chicken salad for lunch. Speaking of which, I should go prepare that salad.
BUT, I've been cramming ALL night because I have a LOMA exam at 9am. I took a sample test just a bit ago and only made a 65%. I'll be retaking that sample test here in a bit - just taking a break. My brain was exploding like a steampunk machine - cogs and gaskets flying all over the place. Add in a scant 5 hours of sleep last night (and the night before and the night before) and a killer headache, and you've got a fairly irritable and easily frustrated girl on your hands.
I just hope the headache goes away instead of coming back, like it usually does, as a migraine in the morning. Because I *have* to be at work tomorrow. In addition to the exam, we're having a big Marketing meeting, and Fridays just happen to normally be my busiest day of the week.
And I realllllly need a relaxing, resetting weekend because I fly out first thing Monday for Chicago.
So, that's that, I guess.
Another Healthy Lunch
I have no idea what I'm going to come up with for dinner tonight. Maybe some veggie burgers, maybe a chicken wrap... who knows? But I'll probably let you know. This blog is becoming my reason to eat healthy - because if I don't, you're all going to know about it and hold me accountable :)
For lunch today, I prepared another salad, this time with some leftover chicken on the top. Added the broccoli stalk, celery, 1/2 a roma tomato, a scallion, and ranch dressing. And it was delicious.If only my lunch 1/2-hour hadn't been interrupted by a co-working asking me to log into the phones because she had to leave her desk for bit... that really kind of pissed me off. Especially because as soon as I logged in, my phone rang, and it was an agent with a complicated situation, and I had to spend at least 20 minutes on the phone with him.
At least my food wasn't hot.
mmmmm....
Baked chicken breasts with salt, black pepper and garlic powder on the top, and israeli lemon-saffron couscous. I sauteed some pine nuts in olive oil and butter, chopped up a scallion, and put that mix on top of the chicken.
It was fantabulous.
Lunch today is a salad, but with my leftover chicken on top. No, I didn't eat the whole thing last night. And this morning, after 3 days of eating very healthy, low-calorie foods, exercising, and drinking 1/2 gallon of water each day, I'm finally back to 120, which is down 4 pounds.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
A Lunch Pic
I know that after all those pictures of my dinners and my breakfast, you're wondering what my lunch looks like. Wonder no more.I used ranch dressing and added some cheese for tomorrow, since I have yoga after work and will need the extra energy. I also packed a small snack of celery with peanut butter for later in the afternoon.
Yum?
Continuing the Cycle
Today I've been fairly good. I had the same breakfast as I had yesterday - one egg (over medium), a slice of soda bread, and a glass of milk. I had the same lunch as yesterday - spring greens with broccoli stalk, celery and 1/2 of a roma tomato. I also had about the same amount of spicy Chex mix that I had yesterday. I did *not* drink as much water as yesterday, but I shall fix that. Tonight, I decided to make something tasty, healthy and different. In my freezer the remainder of a bag of shrimp, I had some tortillas and cheddar cheese in the fridge, and a jar of salsa in the pantry. I cooked the shrimp with white wine and olive oil, a scallion, red pepper flakes and a dash of cayenne pepper. It's a cold day - a girl needs to warm up somehow. Then I pan-fried a tortilla in the remaining oil until it was bubbly, put a small amount of cheddar cheese across the top, then the rest of the scallion, and some salsa around the edge for some extra panache.
I am enjoying every bite as I write this. Simply amazing.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Dinner Experiment
I got creative tonight. Inspired by a www.poorgirleatswell.com post, I tried my hand at creating poached tilapia instead of just sauteing it in butter or oil. She recommended poaching in white wine or vegetable broth, but having neither, I used water with salt and dried herbs (thyme, garlic powder & parsley). Once the pan was boiling, I put in the tilapia until it started flaking.
I also steamed some broccoli in the microwave by cutting off the florets (saving the stalk for another salad), putting some water in the container, setting a lid partway on top and microwaved for two minutes. Perfect! I can't remember the last time I had steamed broccoli.
To top it off, I opened a can of pineapple (canned with real juice, not syrup). I used 1/2 the juice to dilute with water; that's my beverage, and dumped 1/3 of the can on my plate.
Eating it now, the tilapia is surprisingly delicious, and broccoli is awesome, and the pineapple... well, it's pineapple. Always good.
I also steamed some broccoli in the microwave by cutting off the florets (saving the stalk for another salad), putting some water in the container, setting a lid partway on top and microwaved for two minutes. Perfect! I can't remember the last time I had steamed broccoli.
To top it off, I opened a can of pineapple (canned with real juice, not syrup). I used 1/2 the juice to dilute with water; that's my beverage, and dumped 1/3 of the can on my plate.
Eating it now, the tilapia is surprisingly delicious, and broccoli is awesome, and the pineapple... well, it's pineapple. Always good.
Staying True
Today has gone by pretty well so far. I stuck with my healthy food all day, except for a small snack of about a handful of spicy chex mix, which I'd already bought and was sitting in my desk drawer at work. Since the salad was very low-calorie and I had to go to meeting at school after work, I decided that a few extra calories wouldn't hurt anything. Since the chex was spicy, it was satisfying and I didn't eat a lot.
I had my meeting at school, where my professor reviewed some of my recent writing in my novel. She also assigned me some more writing - at least ten pages - for our next meeting on April 9th. Ten pages! As you probably read, last night I was wondering about the reason for my continuing to write; today on the way back from the mailbox, I realized that I've simply put too much effort into learning how to write, and stressing about writing, and actually writing to just stop.
So... ten pages. I can do this. I also have a LOMA test next week, and I'll be in Chicago for 2 days prior without a laptop. I'll have to print off the text and study it that way during the flights.
Been trying to drink more water - I found a new way to make sure I drink it, at home at least. I have two empty water bottles. I filled them up with water, squirted a few drops of lemon juice in them, and put them in the fridge. When I come home from work, they're nice and cold and should last throughout the night. And they taste good!
Tonight I guess I'll try to study some LOMA, maybe watch a little something, and do my nails. Last night I cleaned. I swept and scrubbed the floors, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, washed the mirrors, and did the laundry. I wanted to get it all done in order to set the week off right.
Is it working? So far.
I had my meeting at school, where my professor reviewed some of my recent writing in my novel. She also assigned me some more writing - at least ten pages - for our next meeting on April 9th. Ten pages! As you probably read, last night I was wondering about the reason for my continuing to write; today on the way back from the mailbox, I realized that I've simply put too much effort into learning how to write, and stressing about writing, and actually writing to just stop.
So... ten pages. I can do this. I also have a LOMA test next week, and I'll be in Chicago for 2 days prior without a laptop. I'll have to print off the text and study it that way during the flights.
Been trying to drink more water - I found a new way to make sure I drink it, at home at least. I have two empty water bottles. I filled them up with water, squirted a few drops of lemon juice in them, and put them in the fridge. When I come home from work, they're nice and cold and should last throughout the night. And they taste good!
Tonight I guess I'll try to study some LOMA, maybe watch a little something, and do my nails. Last night I cleaned. I swept and scrubbed the floors, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, washed the mirrors, and did the laundry. I wanted to get it all done in order to set the week off right.
Is it working? So far.
Doing Better
Once again, I've decided to take better care of myself.
I found a website, www.poorgirleatswell.com, which has recipes for healthy, cheap food, and tips on how to shop efficiently and healthily. I've been more and more intrigued by vegetarian foods as well, not because I want to forgo meat (I don't), but because they are good, and they seem to be cheaper as well.
Because of some tips I saw on the blog, last night I prepared today's lunch in advance. I made a salad, with the spring greens I already had (from now on, I'll buy the actual lettuce heads, not the packaged stuff), 1/2 a roma tomato, and 2 celery stalks. I also (here's the tip) cut the stalks off of the broccoli I'd bought, and chopped it small. It tastes pretty good! And should make a nice salad filler. And I won't be wasting it :)
This morning I also prepared a breakfast, instead of taking a yogurt cup or oatmeal bag into work. I cooked an egg over-medium, a slice of soda bread, and a glass of milk. I'm lucky with the soda bread and milk - the soda bread was leftover from our St. Patty's day dinner (Ben bought it but sent the rest home with me), and the milk was BOGO this weekend.
I plan to cook some orange roughy tonight for dinner.
I found a website, www.poorgirleatswell.com, which has recipes for healthy, cheap food, and tips on how to shop efficiently and healthily. I've been more and more intrigued by vegetarian foods as well, not because I want to forgo meat (I don't), but because they are good, and they seem to be cheaper as well.
Because of some tips I saw on the blog, last night I prepared today's lunch in advance. I made a salad, with the spring greens I already had (from now on, I'll buy the actual lettuce heads, not the packaged stuff), 1/2 a roma tomato, and 2 celery stalks. I also (here's the tip) cut the stalks off of the broccoli I'd bought, and chopped it small. It tastes pretty good! And should make a nice salad filler. And I won't be wasting it :)
I plan to cook some orange roughy tonight for dinner.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Beth Time
This afternoon I'm getting some 'beth time', but I don't know what to do. I know of plenty of things that I can and should do, like write, read, do my nails, study LOMA...
But I just have this big, constant ball of sadness rolling around inside. I don't feel like doing any of those things - I just want to lie down and sleep. It doesn't help that I have a headache and that I'm letting myself have a 'woman-week' and am cramping because of that.
My laptop is dying. I left it at Ben's house for him to look at. He says it needs a new hard drive, and apparently hard drive prices have gone up 500% in the past month because Thailand, where the majority of hard drives are manufactures, was catastrophically flooded about a month ago.
Why can't things ever just go smoothly? Why can't everything just be OK for once?
Yesterday, I took Parker over to Ben's to introduce her to Kagan, Ben's cat. It did not go well. Parker is as chill as fuck, but Kagan is the polar opposite - very territorial and high-strung. I guess we just keep trying it every now and then until they get used to each other.
We went running down the canal this morning. It felt so good to get out in the fresh air and exercise, it made me wonder why I don't do it more often. And the answer, if I'm being honest with myself, is because I don't like to exercise alone.
Sometimes I think I should give up trying to write. It takes up too much time, and all the time that I'm not working or writing, I'm thinking about writing, and I feel guilty that I'm not writing, then I feel bad for feeling guilty, because I shouldn't be work-work-working all the time, but then I think "but when's the last time you wrote? How long are you going to let this book take?"
Damn book, just get out of my head. I'm so tired of being tired and stressing.
But I just have this big, constant ball of sadness rolling around inside. I don't feel like doing any of those things - I just want to lie down and sleep. It doesn't help that I have a headache and that I'm letting myself have a 'woman-week' and am cramping because of that.
My laptop is dying. I left it at Ben's house for him to look at. He says it needs a new hard drive, and apparently hard drive prices have gone up 500% in the past month because Thailand, where the majority of hard drives are manufactures, was catastrophically flooded about a month ago.
Why can't things ever just go smoothly? Why can't everything just be OK for once?
Yesterday, I took Parker over to Ben's to introduce her to Kagan, Ben's cat. It did not go well. Parker is as chill as fuck, but Kagan is the polar opposite - very territorial and high-strung. I guess we just keep trying it every now and then until they get used to each other.
We went running down the canal this morning. It felt so good to get out in the fresh air and exercise, it made me wonder why I don't do it more often. And the answer, if I'm being honest with myself, is because I don't like to exercise alone.
Sometimes I think I should give up trying to write. It takes up too much time, and all the time that I'm not working or writing, I'm thinking about writing, and I feel guilty that I'm not writing, then I feel bad for feeling guilty, because I shouldn't be work-work-working all the time, but then I think "but when's the last time you wrote? How long are you going to let this book take?"
Damn book, just get out of my head. I'm so tired of being tired and stressing.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Lame Post. Not Llama, Lame.
I assume it's time for an update. One that I don't really feel like writing. I don't even know where my last post left off. So....
Lately, I just want to curl up and go to sleep for hours and hours and wake up and shower and go back to sleep. No work, no writing, no school, no dr. appointments. Just Parker. And Sleep. And I guess Ben can show up every now and then too. Oh, and water. Lots and lots of water. It's good.
It would be nice if my paycheck continued to be deposited to my account while all that sleep is happening.
Even though I've been having strange dreams lately. I know, what else is new? I had a very scary dream last weekend, where I was being stalked by an assassin, all the way from NC to OK to TN to AZ. I ended up being cornered in a glass room with a wooden door, with the guy kicking it in. I woke up frightened and sweaty, and convinced that someone was downstairs (I was at Ben's).
Oh, and I had a birthday. 27 seems about right. I feel 27. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. But almost everyone I know is older than me, so I guess it's OK.
We went to Vegas for 311 weekend. It was fun, but I wish I had had $$ to spend. Not so much fun to walk around awesome shops and not be able to buy anything.
I'm so tired of talking/typing/communicating. Going to bed.
Sorry for the lame post. Hey, at least there's a picture in it, even if it is a lame picture too.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
O.o
You, my reader, are in for treat. The Beth is Buzzed. And writing!
I find it absofuckinghilarious that the guy I dated for a while, who got busted for soliciting 14-year old girls online to meet him for oral sex (them on him) has created a website in order to protect children from the harmful effects of porn and sexual predators online.
Waddyathink?
In other news, some guy from OK, that I barely remember, was chatting me up on FB tonight. He said he keeps getting his 'hart broken'. I thought he was talking about a deer, and wondered why he would want to break it.
I'm on the last glass from a bottle of Chardonnay. No, I didn't drink the entire thing. Ben had at least half a glass of it. He stopped by for a little while earlier tonight.
Speaking of Ben, he asked me to move in with him when my lease is up. As I wrote before, the idea has been freaking me out, but we talked this weekend. And regardless of what I decide, I have three whole months to do it in. That's a decent amount of time, right? I told him that I don't feel ready yet, and we talked about my reservations. He said that he understand if I'm not ready by then.
He's such a good guy. I'm sure I don't deserve him. Yeah, he's not *perfect*, but then, who is? Certainly not me.
I go through periods of self-loathing. This week has been one of them. I loathe that I loathe myself. I loathe that I don't discipline myself to write more. I loathe my 'weak' periods when I prefer relaxation over study or work. Then I loathe that I can't just accept myself for who I am, and accept that relaxation is necessary. I loathe that I lack finesse, then I loathe the fact that I loathe that lack thereof, due to that the fact I am still learning that fine art, and that I have come a long way in the past few years.
I'm listening to "The Temple of the Cat" by Ayreon. Brilliant artist. Eccentric, but brilliant.
That's all.
I find it absofuckinghilarious that the guy I dated for a while, who got busted for soliciting 14-year old girls online to meet him for oral sex (them on him) has created a website in order to protect children from the harmful effects of porn and sexual predators online.
Waddyathink?
In other news, some guy from OK, that I barely remember, was chatting me up on FB tonight. He said he keeps getting his 'hart broken'. I thought he was talking about a deer, and wondered why he would want to break it.
I'm on the last glass from a bottle of Chardonnay. No, I didn't drink the entire thing. Ben had at least half a glass of it. He stopped by for a little while earlier tonight.
Speaking of Ben, he asked me to move in with him when my lease is up. As I wrote before, the idea has been freaking me out, but we talked this weekend. And regardless of what I decide, I have three whole months to do it in. That's a decent amount of time, right? I told him that I don't feel ready yet, and we talked about my reservations. He said that he understand if I'm not ready by then.
He's such a good guy. I'm sure I don't deserve him. Yeah, he's not *perfect*, but then, who is? Certainly not me.
I go through periods of self-loathing. This week has been one of them. I loathe that I loathe myself. I loathe that I don't discipline myself to write more. I loathe my 'weak' periods when I prefer relaxation over study or work. Then I loathe that I can't just accept myself for who I am, and accept that relaxation is necessary. I loathe that I lack finesse, then I loathe the fact that I loathe that lack thereof, due to that the fact I am still learning that fine art, and that I have come a long way in the past few years.
I'm listening to "The Temple of the Cat" by Ayreon. Brilliant artist. Eccentric, but brilliant.
That's all.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
A Spare Evening
I barely know what to do with myself tonight. There is nothing that absolutely needs to be done!
Yesterday I took my dreaded LOMA test that I've been cramming for, and passed it, but also signed up for another class, which is due on March 31st. So, I *could* study for that, but really am not feeling up for it. Not after all that cramming.
I think I have a very real stress problem. And the xanax isn't cutting it. All it does it knock me out. Last night, I went over to Ben's... so on edge. I took 1/2 a xanax, ate the bowl of pasta he made me, watched 15 minutes of a UFC fight, and promptly fell asleep on the couch until 1am. That's not fun... how I can make a relationship work if I'm always stressed, always working on something, or always sleeping?
Tonight was supposed to be my 'relaxing' night. No school, no work, no exercise. Instead, I'm worrying about getting fat (because I ate a bag of popcorn), studying for my next LOMA class, and upcoming events.
I did take a nice hot bath though. And made a delicious, healthy dinner consisting of yellow squash and a chicken & shrimp fajita, with raw diced tomatoes, black olives, red onion and jalapenos. Lots of fresh foods.
And I did watch a movie - Parent Trap. The Lindsey Lohan version. Then I got all stressed out.
At least tomorrow is Friday. My boss has lately only been in the office on Friday, thanks to work trips, and so I'm sure the day will pass by quickly as we'll be in and out of meetings. *crosses fingers that that will be the case* A raise would still be nice too...
Tonight, I considered reading a book. Then stressed out trying to figure out which book. It *has* to be something beneficial, not just luxurious, and not part of a series, and not too long, and not a stupid short story, and not too engrossing so that I'll go to bed on time... I decided not to read anything.
And now... child's pose to relieve some stress...
I can't believe I'm stressing about stress... how stupid is that?! Don't tell me.
**postscript**
I didn't get to write about PounceQuick is back to his normal health and playfulness. I had to put him to sleep on Monday. :'-(
Yesterday I took my dreaded LOMA test that I've been cramming for, and passed it, but also signed up for another class, which is due on March 31st. So, I *could* study for that, but really am not feeling up for it. Not after all that cramming.
I think I have a very real stress problem. And the xanax isn't cutting it. All it does it knock me out. Last night, I went over to Ben's... so on edge. I took 1/2 a xanax, ate the bowl of pasta he made me, watched 15 minutes of a UFC fight, and promptly fell asleep on the couch until 1am. That's not fun... how I can make a relationship work if I'm always stressed, always working on something, or always sleeping?
Tonight was supposed to be my 'relaxing' night. No school, no work, no exercise. Instead, I'm worrying about getting fat (because I ate a bag of popcorn), studying for my next LOMA class, and upcoming events.
I did take a nice hot bath though. And made a delicious, healthy dinner consisting of yellow squash and a chicken & shrimp fajita, with raw diced tomatoes, black olives, red onion and jalapenos. Lots of fresh foods.
And I did watch a movie - Parent Trap. The Lindsey Lohan version. Then I got all stressed out.
At least tomorrow is Friday. My boss has lately only been in the office on Friday, thanks to work trips, and so I'm sure the day will pass by quickly as we'll be in and out of meetings. *crosses fingers that that will be the case* A raise would still be nice too...
Tonight, I considered reading a book. Then stressed out trying to figure out which book. It *has* to be something beneficial, not just luxurious, and not part of a series, and not too long, and not a stupid short story, and not too engrossing so that I'll go to bed on time... I decided not to read anything.
And now... child's pose to relieve some stress...
I can't believe I'm stressing about stress... how stupid is that?! Don't tell me.
**postscript**
I didn't get to write about PounceQuick is back to his normal health and playfulness. I had to put him to sleep on Monday. :'-(
Friday, February 17, 2012
Today I...
Went to work, and it passed by super-fast.
Ordered PeiWei for lunch, because I had a BOGO coupon for their new dish, Thai Basil Chicken.
Spontaneously bought a gigantic chocolate chip cookie.
Went back to the psychiatrist.
Got a prescription for a new med.
Picked up said prescription.
Filled my car with gas.
Stopped by the vet to pick up a food syringe.
Came home, to find someone finally towing away the dead car next to me.
Force-fed Pounce baby food with the syringe.
Got baby food (mixed vegetables and chicken) all over the carpet and my clothes.
Ordered PeiWei for lunch, because I had a BOGO coupon for their new dish, Thai Basil Chicken.
Spontaneously bought a gigantic chocolate chip cookie.
Went back to the psychiatrist.
Got a prescription for a new med.
Picked up said prescription.
Filled my car with gas.
Stopped by the vet to pick up a food syringe.
Came home, to find someone finally towing away the dead car next to me.
Force-fed Pounce baby food with the syringe.
Got baby food (mixed vegetables and chicken) all over the carpet and my clothes.
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Other Step Back
Last post had a lot of good things going for it. This post is bit of a downer.
PounceQuick the Playful is sick. I took him to the vet today, and discovered that he had a fever. Cats' regular temperature is between 100-102. Pounce was at 104.8. The vet is running some bloodwork, and gave him a shot of antibiotics for the fever. The results of the bloodwork and tests should be in tomorrow. In the meantime, that put $300 back on the card I just paid off, and PounceQuick is worrying me very much. He won't eat, he won't drink. He won't pee, he barely walks. He's obviously dehydrated, but when I put him in front of his water bowl or food, he rears back from it, like it makes him nauseous. He won't even eat the canned food he loves so much, or chicken broth, or canned tuna. :'( I'm scared I'm going to lose him.
Hopefully, next week I'll be writing a post all about how much better he is, back to his old self and annoying me. ...
I've also scheduled an appointment to go back to the psychiatrist. I told her I want to talk about any non-med treatments, but I think the main focus this week is going to be anxiety.
Work is still going well. *thumbs up* I'm also working from home a few hours a week for an iphone app. Also studying for LOMA. I'm going to do that when I finish this post, until Ben gets here. He's so nice, coming over when I'm all concerned about PounceQuick...
PounceQuick the Playful is sick. I took him to the vet today, and discovered that he had a fever. Cats' regular temperature is between 100-102. Pounce was at 104.8. The vet is running some bloodwork, and gave him a shot of antibiotics for the fever. The results of the bloodwork and tests should be in tomorrow. In the meantime, that put $300 back on the card I just paid off, and PounceQuick is worrying me very much. He won't eat, he won't drink. He won't pee, he barely walks. He's obviously dehydrated, but when I put him in front of his water bowl or food, he rears back from it, like it makes him nauseous. He won't even eat the canned food he loves so much, or chicken broth, or canned tuna. :'( I'm scared I'm going to lose him.
Hopefully, next week I'll be writing a post all about how much better he is, back to his old self and annoying me. ...
I've also scheduled an appointment to go back to the psychiatrist. I told her I want to talk about any non-med treatments, but I think the main focus this week is going to be anxiety.
Work is still going well. *thumbs up* I'm also working from home a few hours a week for an iphone app. Also studying for LOMA. I'm going to do that when I finish this post, until Ben gets here. He's so nice, coming over when I'm all concerned about PounceQuick...
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Two Steps Forward, One Back
So, I realize that I forgot to update my blog when I hit one of my milestones:
I PAID OFF A CREDIT CARD!
My federal tax refund was exactly one dollar more than the balance on my largest card. I was so afraid it wasn't going to cover it all, but it did! That same night, I had a panic attack out of nowhere... for no reason. I was laying in bed and suddenly couldn't breathe. Since then I've had a few more. But that's not the step backward.
The step backward is... I went shopping. I ordered stuff from VS online, went to Last Chance for some workout and work tops (granted, I only spend $30 there, that's the beauty of Last Chance), I ordered a watch online, and I ordered some shoes online. I needed the stuff from VS - most of it, anyway, and the stuff from last chance, and the watch was a great online deal, and pretty inexpensive, but the shoes... didn't need those. Even though they are awesome steampunk mary-janes. At least I didn't get a purse. Yet. I've been wanting to get a new purse for over a year now. You can make 'purse' plural if you want to.
I went to the Dr. today to get a refill of Xanax. He didn't want to give it to me... he did anyway, but really pushed me to get back in touch with the psych. And when I got home, I had two letters from the psych (identical letters) in my mailbox. Coincidence? I reallllly don't want to go back on the meds again. And the lab work every 9 days? Please no. But if I keep getting anxiety attacks and my Dr won't want to refill, I might have to go back. :-(
I've also been looking around at tattoo shops in town... I want to get my seadragon redone into something more artsy, and I want to get a Pegasus. And a nose stud. But, there are other things I need to get first. Namely, a coffee table, since mine is a big cardboard box, a bedframe, side tables, a computer desk, new silverware, another credit card paid off, and a loan paid off.
Maybe that's why I've been having anxiety attacks...
I PAID OFF A CREDIT CARD!
My federal tax refund was exactly one dollar more than the balance on my largest card. I was so afraid it wasn't going to cover it all, but it did! That same night, I had a panic attack out of nowhere... for no reason. I was laying in bed and suddenly couldn't breathe. Since then I've had a few more. But that's not the step backward.
The step backward is... I went shopping. I ordered stuff from VS online, went to Last Chance for some workout and work tops (granted, I only spend $30 there, that's the beauty of Last Chance), I ordered a watch online, and I ordered some shoes online. I needed the stuff from VS - most of it, anyway, and the stuff from last chance, and the watch was a great online deal, and pretty inexpensive, but the shoes... didn't need those. Even though they are awesome steampunk mary-janes. At least I didn't get a purse. Yet. I've been wanting to get a new purse for over a year now. You can make 'purse' plural if you want to.
I went to the Dr. today to get a refill of Xanax. He didn't want to give it to me... he did anyway, but really pushed me to get back in touch with the psych. And when I got home, I had two letters from the psych (identical letters) in my mailbox. Coincidence? I reallllly don't want to go back on the meds again. And the lab work every 9 days? Please no. But if I keep getting anxiety attacks and my Dr won't want to refill, I might have to go back. :-(
I've also been looking around at tattoo shops in town... I want to get my seadragon redone into something more artsy, and I want to get a Pegasus. And a nose stud. But, there are other things I need to get first. Namely, a coffee table, since mine is a big cardboard box, a bedframe, side tables, a computer desk, new silverware, another credit card paid off, and a loan paid off.
Maybe that's why I've been having anxiety attacks...
Monday, January 30, 2012
Yoyo
Lately, I've been so tired. But right now, I'm wondering where the hell all of my rings have gone. I'm missing a black cocktail ring, which I *know* is around here somewhere, because I wore it to work several times this fall. Also missing is a silver one. I'm also missing a big silver hoop earring. *pouty face*
At any rate, I've been tired because 1) I've been working 2) been trying to study my LOMA course, 3) trying to write my book, and 4) playing Castleville all the damn time *facepalm*.
Work is going well. I have been determined to be purely professional and friendly, and that's what I have done, regardless of how I feel inside. LOMA isn't faring quite so well, though it should because once this book is completed, I get a $500 bonus, and I have a Vegas trip coming up in March, which would be very nice to have $500 for. Or to have money to shop for clothes for.
My book is steadily coming along. I need to stop and make an outline soon. Right now I'm just writing little scenes here and there, to be pieced together later. Content is key. Once I have content, I can rearrange it to make sense. I <3 my english prof. She looks like my grandma - the one who encouraged me to write, and the one who planted my imagination in stories. She gets it when I talk about writing and ideas that haven't been fully formed, and stumbling blocks that I run into all the time. It's awesome to be able to talk to someone who understands the writing process.
Castleville... *shakes head*. I'm at an insane level. Like, (hold on while I check the other tab in my browser) level 26. It's crazy. I'm addicted to leveling.
And TIRED. Last night I stayed up til 12:30 reading a Steven King book, "The Eyes of the Dragon" which turned out to be a really engrossing read; so much so that I thought it was only 10:30, but actually after midnight. 5:30 AM comes really early nowadays.
This weekend, Ben and I went hiking. I actually got a decent amount of 'beth time' this weekend, since he went to see a friend on saturday, and we spend sunday afternoon apart. Sunday morning, we did go hiking, however. It was 77 degrees outside and I got burnt. It felt great. Speaking of exercise, this wednesday is the first week of my work-sponsored yoga class. There are 15 of us who will meet downstairs for an hour every wednesday for six months to do instructor-led yoga. I am very happy about this :-)
I'm also finally feeling in-control of my finances. Of course, I have always been, but things are manageable now. Now for that tax return... and LOMA bonus... I've promised myself an awesome sushi dinner upon pay-off of my big credit card. That should be happening next week. :-D
But, we're going to the Melting Pot on that Friday, for their Valentine's Day special, so the sushi dinner may have to wait for the following weekend. We'll see.
After the 10th, we don't have any plans til the end of the month, which is great because it'll give us some time to save up for Vegas and for me to pay down my other credit card...
Should I get a pedi tomorrow? Or should I do my toes tonight? Something needs to be done before yoga starts...
At any rate, I've been tired because 1) I've been working 2) been trying to study my LOMA course, 3) trying to write my book, and 4) playing Castleville all the damn time *facepalm*.
Work is going well. I have been determined to be purely professional and friendly, and that's what I have done, regardless of how I feel inside. LOMA isn't faring quite so well, though it should because once this book is completed, I get a $500 bonus, and I have a Vegas trip coming up in March, which would be very nice to have $500 for. Or to have money to shop for clothes for.
My book is steadily coming along. I need to stop and make an outline soon. Right now I'm just writing little scenes here and there, to be pieced together later. Content is key. Once I have content, I can rearrange it to make sense. I <3 my english prof. She looks like my grandma - the one who encouraged me to write, and the one who planted my imagination in stories. She gets it when I talk about writing and ideas that haven't been fully formed, and stumbling blocks that I run into all the time. It's awesome to be able to talk to someone who understands the writing process.
Castleville... *shakes head*. I'm at an insane level. Like, (hold on while I check the other tab in my browser) level 26. It's crazy. I'm addicted to leveling.
And TIRED. Last night I stayed up til 12:30 reading a Steven King book, "The Eyes of the Dragon" which turned out to be a really engrossing read; so much so that I thought it was only 10:30, but actually after midnight. 5:30 AM comes really early nowadays.
This weekend, Ben and I went hiking. I actually got a decent amount of 'beth time' this weekend, since he went to see a friend on saturday, and we spend sunday afternoon apart. Sunday morning, we did go hiking, however. It was 77 degrees outside and I got burnt. It felt great. Speaking of exercise, this wednesday is the first week of my work-sponsored yoga class. There are 15 of us who will meet downstairs for an hour every wednesday for six months to do instructor-led yoga. I am very happy about this :-)
I'm also finally feeling in-control of my finances. Of course, I have always been, but things are manageable now. Now for that tax return... and LOMA bonus... I've promised myself an awesome sushi dinner upon pay-off of my big credit card. That should be happening next week. :-D
But, we're going to the Melting Pot on that Friday, for their Valentine's Day special, so the sushi dinner may have to wait for the following weekend. We'll see.
After the 10th, we don't have any plans til the end of the month, which is great because it'll give us some time to save up for Vegas and for me to pay down my other credit card...
Should I get a pedi tomorrow? Or should I do my toes tonight? Something needs to be done before yoga starts...
Monday, January 23, 2012
I CAN, Peaches.
If my sister can write a blog post today, so can I! Granted, mine will not be populated with pictures of adorable little kids or kitties or couples, but you'll get over it.
I... am in a weird spot lately. I feel weird. I feel weird. My brain has been going a thousand miles per hour, OK, it was, now it's back down to a few hundred miles per hour, and I'm so full of indecisiveness and "what-ifs" and "should I's" and "I should's" and "I have to's".
Never mind. Let's get down the blog posting, shall we?
I was supposed to be taking two classes this semester; one of them was canceled. The class that remains is only a one-credit course, with random meetings with my instructor, and assigned readings which might help with my writing. Easy, won't take a lot of time, perfect. Except I really wanted to take that other class, and I'm bummed out that it was canceled. Now I have to wait until next semester and see if it will happen then! Anyway, I've been using some of my spare time the past two months to actually work on my writing. I've written one complete short story, and started re-working my historical fiction novel - again, from a different point of view.
Today, I had my first meeting with the professor, and she was reviewing my latest work, which I sent her last week. She thought my completed short story had some good things going on (granted, it is a cliche, predictable myth-type story), she thought my Jesus story, which I started a while ago for laughs, needed a lot of work (I agree), and she Really Liked my historical fiction work. Which is good, because the damn story has been in my head for over a decade. Wrap your mind around that.
God Damn, I'm Old.
In good news, after my tax return, I will have my largest credit card completely paid off.
Work has been going alright - I have determined to be absolutely flawless in my professional aspect. I'm not saying I won't mistakes, but they won't be stupid mistakes. I will keep my mouth shut unless I have something constructive to say, which means I need to be thinking of a of constructive things to say. I will remain positive, and if I'm having a bad day, just smile through it. I made myself a notepad file for instructions for bad days, mainly to remind myself to smile because everyone can see me, and to remember that it's Just a Job, and I get to go home at the end of the day. And if they day is particularly bad, I'll plan to do something for myself when I do get home, such as a hot bath, or a pedi, or some kind of treat like that.
The reason for that resolution is because I have realized that in order to have the lifestyle I want, I am going to have to create that for myself. And I will.
It's just hard to make myself keep writing... even though I know that my writing is the one thing that has the potential to ricochet myself into the lifestyle I want (which isn't that much - all I want is a house with a pool and lots of windows and a vaulted ceiling, and lots of time to sit in the sun) - all I have to do is stick with it, which is SO much easier said than done.
Aside from all of that, I've been really having some down times. Times when all of my doubts, fears, uncertainties and failures come swelling up like an unwanted tide. I've been doing a decent job of fighting them back, but fighting is hard. It takes energy, and when I'm out of energy, either from not sleeping enough, or not exercising enough, or from expending all of my energy in other places, it's hard to summon the strength to tell myself, You CAN.
I... am in a weird spot lately. I feel weird. I feel weird. My brain has been going a thousand miles per hour, OK, it was, now it's back down to a few hundred miles per hour, and I'm so full of indecisiveness and "what-ifs" and "should I's" and "I should's" and "I have to's".
Never mind. Let's get down the blog posting, shall we?
I was supposed to be taking two classes this semester; one of them was canceled. The class that remains is only a one-credit course, with random meetings with my instructor, and assigned readings which might help with my writing. Easy, won't take a lot of time, perfect. Except I really wanted to take that other class, and I'm bummed out that it was canceled. Now I have to wait until next semester and see if it will happen then! Anyway, I've been using some of my spare time the past two months to actually work on my writing. I've written one complete short story, and started re-working my historical fiction novel - again, from a different point of view.
Today, I had my first meeting with the professor, and she was reviewing my latest work, which I sent her last week. She thought my completed short story had some good things going on (granted, it is a cliche, predictable myth-type story), she thought my Jesus story, which I started a while ago for laughs, needed a lot of work (I agree), and she Really Liked my historical fiction work. Which is good, because the damn story has been in my head for over a decade. Wrap your mind around that.
God Damn, I'm Old.
In good news, after my tax return, I will have my largest credit card completely paid off.
Work has been going alright - I have determined to be absolutely flawless in my professional aspect. I'm not saying I won't mistakes, but they won't be stupid mistakes. I will keep my mouth shut unless I have something constructive to say, which means I need to be thinking of a of constructive things to say. I will remain positive, and if I'm having a bad day, just smile through it. I made myself a notepad file for instructions for bad days, mainly to remind myself to smile because everyone can see me, and to remember that it's Just a Job, and I get to go home at the end of the day. And if they day is particularly bad, I'll plan to do something for myself when I do get home, such as a hot bath, or a pedi, or some kind of treat like that.
The reason for that resolution is because I have realized that in order to have the lifestyle I want, I am going to have to create that for myself. And I will.
It's just hard to make myself keep writing... even though I know that my writing is the one thing that has the potential to ricochet myself into the lifestyle I want (which isn't that much - all I want is a house with a pool and lots of windows and a vaulted ceiling, and lots of time to sit in the sun) - all I have to do is stick with it, which is SO much easier said than done.
Aside from all of that, I've been really having some down times. Times when all of my doubts, fears, uncertainties and failures come swelling up like an unwanted tide. I've been doing a decent job of fighting them back, but fighting is hard. It takes energy, and when I'm out of energy, either from not sleeping enough, or not exercising enough, or from expending all of my energy in other places, it's hard to summon the strength to tell myself, You CAN.
Monday, January 2, 2012
TO 2012
It's resolution time again... the last resolution time ever, if the Mayan theorists are correct.
So far, I haven't really thought about resolutions - the whole holiday season this year has actually been kind of weird for me. So anyway, I was thinking about resolutions, and pretty much the only one I thought of is something that I was planning to do anyway, and it doesn't really have much to do with self-betterment, but it here it is:
1. Pay off all credit card debt.
Then I started looking at the resolutions that I made last year (and kept, for the most part). Be more active, only 1 bottle of wine a week (yes, I believe I made this!), Parker only gets one can of treats a week, and Be More Aware. The only one I spectacularly failed at was 'Finish a rough draft of Pauly (or some other novel). That led to my second resolution:
2. No more writing resolutions.
Now I'm out of resolutions, and I haven't said anything about diet, exercise or weight. I think I'm OK with not doing that this year. Living in Arizona lends itself to more activity, and I also feel better when I exercise, so I'm just going to take that knowledge and utilize it. Sound like a New Years Resolution? It's not... Not really.
I really don't know any other resolutions to make, other than 'Be Happy, Be Yourself, and Be Your Best'.
So far, I haven't really thought about resolutions - the whole holiday season this year has actually been kind of weird for me. So anyway, I was thinking about resolutions, and pretty much the only one I thought of is something that I was planning to do anyway, and it doesn't really have much to do with self-betterment, but it here it is:
1. Pay off all credit card debt.
Then I started looking at the resolutions that I made last year (and kept, for the most part). Be more active, only 1 bottle of wine a week (yes, I believe I made this!), Parker only gets one can of treats a week, and Be More Aware. The only one I spectacularly failed at was 'Finish a rough draft of Pauly (or some other novel). That led to my second resolution:
2. No more writing resolutions.
Now I'm out of resolutions, and I haven't said anything about diet, exercise or weight. I think I'm OK with not doing that this year. Living in Arizona lends itself to more activity, and I also feel better when I exercise, so I'm just going to take that knowledge and utilize it. Sound like a New Years Resolution? It's not... Not really.
I really don't know any other resolutions to make, other than 'Be Happy, Be Yourself, and Be Your Best'.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)