Getting It Off My Chest

Something has been bothering me lately. Well, several things actually. Why is it that people are OK with believing lies about me while I'm being threatened not to tell anyone the truth about him? Why is it that I got the dirty end of the deal? I was lied to, cheated on, physically and verbally abused,threatened,  and now dirty lies are being told about me. While HE gets off scott-free - with friends saying "I can't believe she left you! and for another guy! and she took your money! What a little piece of trash!"

Secondly, what's been bothering more lately is that HE twisted my head to make me believe that I provoked his physical attacks on me. Yes, there was a time when I slapped his face... but that was because he yanking me by the arm, yelling, calling me names and accusing me of things that I just *don't* do. That doesn't justify an attack while I'm laying in bed, having my head slammed against the corner of a nightstand, having his face all up in mine, yelling, threatening to kill me, to really hurt me, because he *could*. The second time I did absolutely nothing to provoke him, but he used the face-slapping reason again. Sitting naked in a tub full of water, he was up in my face, yelling "whore" at me. I never even saw the blow coming but it was so hard hit my head on the bottom of the tub, underneath the water. I did *nothing* to deserve that. And then the last night... another one in bed, up in my face, saying he could kill me, that I should really be grateful for what I had because so many other girls would love to be in my position.

But what really bothers me right now is that the FEAR is so much greater now than it was. I have periods where I'm sitting, remembering, and start shaking at the memories. It brings back other memories, of my first boyfriend and his violent temper, of incidents in my childhood, of other, less violent, but nonetheless frightening, experiences. At times I am entirely incapacitated by these memories and sit like a zombie, hands trembling on my keyboard or desk.

And I realize now that the physical attacks and verbal abuse are just as bad as him bringing hookers up to his hotel room...

I would love to say that I will never let myself be put into that position again, but at this point, I am very much doubting my instincts and my trust in men is pretty much destroyed right now.

This week I have no plans (yet) and am trying to take some time for myself... to think, to find myself again, to start healing. Apparently, the wound was deeper than I thought, since the shock has worn off.

But I miss him. I miss the stability. I miss his funny jokes, spontaneous dances, the way he burst into song, his voice impersonations, his professional demeanor wen work called, and the way he called us a 'family'.

He never said he was sorry.

I am so mixed up inside.

Learning Disappointment

According to my last post, I was supposed to have to received the rest of my clothes by the end of this week, which was yesterday. Well, Yesterday came and went, and my clothes did not arrive. In the meantime, I washed (and dried) my laundry with a black ink pen, so some of my clothes are stained - not badly, thank goodness, but badly enough that I would really appreciate my boxes to have arrived yesterday.

I did go grocery shopping, and spent about $170 on food and cleaning supplies. I shouldn't have to get anything besides fresh veggies and maybe some spices for a good while. Parker's canned kitty food is stocked up now as well ;-)

The apartment complex finally fixed the green pool behind my place, so yesterday I got to lay out for a while. It was nice - only a few people were there, and the water was really warm. I will probably go out there again today and swim some laps (there was no one out there when I walked past just a little bit ago).

My original plan for this weekend was to go furniture shopping, but A. only sent $500, and I want to have about $1k to spend whenever I go, so I can just get everything all at once. So I'll save up after I pay my rent and what-not, and maybe go sometime next month. July 4th sales?! Maybe. I'll also check out some mattress warehouses which might have some cheaper king-size mattresses than IKEA. The blankets I've been sleeping on up til now will just have to do for another week or two.

The wi-fi here in the lobby is spotty, and I have some things to do, so will end this here for now.

Fly

I have discovered wifi in my gym. Talk about a conflict of interests!  At least it's open 24 hours, so I can come in whenever I want. And now I can download movies while I'm getting my workout :)

That's all for now, folks. If you know me well, you know what's going on.

Also, I should have all my clothes by the end of the week! Yeah!

Maybe

A sneaking suspicion has crept up on me that maybe I'm not a good writer insomuch as simply a depraved and disturbed individual.

Comfortably Numb

Tonight I'm listening to Pink Floyd in my new apartment, head propped up against the wall, with a glass of wine 1/3rd full at my elbow, and am typing out my very first blog post ever from my phone.

I'm an atheist, but thank god for smart phones!

I think I have everything necessary for life here now: pillows, blankets, dishes, pans, enough food so I won't starve, Parker kitty, some clothes, towels, and a washer/dryer. Matresses and a bookshelf are next on my list, but I'm not in a rush because 1) I don't have my books yet and 2) the sleeping arrangements aren't that bad (even if did have a crazy dark dream the first night and wake up with a bruised hip the next night).

I got 2 boxes today, containing my bathroom stuff (perfume anyone?), including my favorite towels and washcloths (yay!), workout clothes and pajamas, cookbooks, files and writing notebooks from my office and all my coats (like I really need those anymore). Nevertheless, it's a good start. Now for the $ he owes...

I went on a second date with one guy today after work... we had sushi. Sad to say, but there's no chemistry, not on my side at least. Tomorrow I'm supposed to do something with sports attorney guy, but am not sure what. If it's notinteresting then I'm going to feel like I wasted a nice day by the pool. Also might do something with the friends I was staying with, for one of their friends' birthdays.

Life is okay, but a bit lonely. I don't think I'm really cut out for the single life. Maybe I just need to give it moretime? I really wanted to get laid tonight, ut managed to resist the temptation to go out to a sports bar and scout there. Never done that before and doubt I'll start that now. Single sucks in that regard.

Maybe that was just the wine talking. Sing it, Pink Floyd!

That's Right.

I take that back. Only $68 in the bank, and $44 on my card. Hopefully the two pots of chili I got the ingredients for today will last for two weeks. Oh wait, I got some ramen too, and some tuna, so I might be set on food. I will have to fill up my car at least one more time though, and might have to purchase renters insurance tomorrow before they let me move in. I just won't mention it and see if they do...

Yahoo E! news stories want me to try all of these different kinds of fashions for summer, friends want me to go to happy hours with them, a couple of guys want to go on dates, and Parker wants my loving. And I just want to be able to fucking chill and know that everything is A-OK.

Today I went shopping (did I mention that?) and got a few of the more necessary items for my apartment. Namely, shower curtain, trash cans, TP, hangers, bed pillows, laundry detergent, and some other things. I also bought 4 cans of tuna, chives, yellow onions, chili ingredients, sour cream & cheese (also considered chili ingredients) and 4 packages of ramen noodles. Sigh. And what else? Bananas.

Yeah.

Also stopped by the bank and got 2 money orders - one for the apartment, and one to send to my credit card, since the stupid boy in Florida disputed a rightful charge and caused all sorts of trouble so now I can't make online payments. Oh well. This too shall be resolved. I did forget to stop payment on a starter check I already sent, on which I forgot to write my account number, so I'll have to do that tomorrow.

Iggy has been licking me, and licking my purse, and licking my bedspread all night. How gross is that? And he snorts while he's doing it.

Tonight I still have to finish packing up the majority of my things in my room here, and I want to do a little bit of stretching. Not yoga, too tired for that. Then I want to take a hot bath, which might be impossible since I haven't had a single hot shower since I've been here. It's worth a try, however.

Tomorrow night, after I unload my car, I'm cooking up a great big pot of chili, eating it and going into the hot tub. You heard me.

I'm too tired to write any more, at least anything that makes sense, so good night for now.

Garg

Ah, how I've missed the days of penny-pinching. $110 in the bank to last til the 24th, and that's if I remember to stop payment on a check!

A Re-Post Worth Sharing

http://thepragmaticprogressive.org/wp/2011/06/13/the-children-republicans-leave-behind/

Playing The Waiting Game

Last week was pretty hectic, with something going on every day after work. Earlier, I had created an online profile, thinking that "Even though I don't want to jump into something, it can't hurt to just meet people." So, one evening I met up with someone for coffee - he was nice and set up another date for today, but last night I backed out. I just don't see anything happening there. I also met someone at a wine bar for an hour or so. He was nice, but was talking about how he wants to be married with kids within a couple of years. Regardless, he could hold a decent conversation, and I miiiight see him again for a another short date. While I was driving home, I got a text from the super cute 'sports attorney guy', and we decided to meet up for a beer. It was a fun evening. Good to catch up. I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens, if anything. As I said earlier, I'm definitely not looking to jump into another relationship - I want to take my time and let things just happen as they will. I have a ton of things to do without trying to add in the stress of a new relationship.

My friend and I went shopping yesterday. As of today, I have collected (for my new apartment), a set of dishes, silverware, a comforter/sheet set, silverware drawer organizer, ice cube trays, a skillet, two bamboo cooking spoons, measuring spoon, chopsticks and bathroom towels. Next on my list? Shower curtain.

Today I plan to just lounge around the house, except for the Insanity part. Another friend is supposed to come over at some point today and we're going to exercise, then jump in the pool. I really need to work on my tan - it's fading.

I found out on Friday that I have two boxes from FL on the way - they should arrive this week. I would guess that they're clothes and bathroom stuff. No matter what's in them, I'll be happy to receive them.

Wednesday! Four more days, and I'll be moved into my new place! I would love to have a mattress set before then, but unless A sends a nice check, I'll either have to fore-go one for now, or see if Ikea offers financing.

That's about all the news that I have. Guess I should get out of bed and see what's crackalacking in the world today.

Ciao.

One Hassle Down

Well, the bank declined my application for better financing because they valued my car at $2k less than Carmax needed. That made everything easy.

And the box with my dishes arrived today, and my car insurance cards.

Tomorrow I have happy hour sushi with my friend, and I can hardly wait :)

Little Hassles

I called the apartment complex to see if they could scoot up my move-in date. They said, "probably not." because they are having 35 new people move in this Friday and have to get all of those places ready first.

I tried to make a payment on my Amex today, the one that A. made the payment bounce, and found that the card is blocked from any payments - online or over the phone. I have to mail in a check. Good thing I called today and found that out since it's due on the 12th.  And it took them so long on the phone that I was late for work. Grr.

And now it looks like I'm going to refinance my car. Will have to go to the bank tomorrow after work to get the actual check and confirmation, then on Wednesday, will have to drive down to Carmax to sign the change in lien-holder paperwork. Frustrated.

When will life become normal and settle down?

Check That Out

Bank accounts fixed: check.


Friend's car picked up: check

Car Insurance Policy: check


Phone Bill Payed: check

Check Deposited: check

Taco Bell 7-Layer Burrito: check

Sunny Outside, Bathing Suit On, & Parker Kitty Ready? Check Check Check!!!



Have a nice weekend everyone :-)

What's Left To Do

Howdy Ya'll.

I'm feeling accomplished! Yesterday I got my car (pictures might come later) and a small check. This morning I shopped around for car insurance and got a new policy, saving about 25% when I switched to Geico. Sucks that Progressive was so much more expensive - I've been with them for six years and liked them! I also changed up my phone plan this morning, since I guess I'm texting at a rate which will exceed my 1000 messages/month rate. Yesterday I also set up electricity for my new place.

I'm going to try living with home internet for a while and see if it's comfortably doable. The apartment complex has a business center, and the lounge has wireless, so it remains to be seen how late those rooms are open, and also if I can mooch wireless off of some other hub. I think there's also a way to use my phone as internet... if that's the case, it'll be cheaper than getting cable hooked up.

Today I need to drive my friend back to CarMax to pick up her car - the one that I drove to go test-drive my new car. It' about a 50-mile drive, but it's all gravy b/c my car has a free full tank, and a fancy dancy Bose sound system :)

Last thing - I need to stop at the bank to get my online accounts straightened out, which shouldn't take too long, and to deposit that check. And I also need to get renters insurance set up - then everything should be great.

New Car

This afternoon ended much better than this morning.

After the postman finally came to the door and declared that he would deliver my package tomorrow!, I decided, "screw that, I'm going to the freakin' post office." So I did. And I got my package.

The FL bad boy said he would send a check for my credit card payments (he owes me about$15k still), and he did, but instead of the nice $5k I was anticipating (although euphemistically), it was a mere $500. Which will be fine, I suppose. It'll pay my credit card bill and hep get me into the apartment.

Anyway, I finally got down to work about 3:00pm to give HR my passport. Instead of sticking around 2 hours of untrained work, I drove down to CarMax... and got a car!

Yes, I got the Mazda 3 which I posted previously. And I didn't even pay a dime. Granted, my monthly payment is over $400 (about the same as my rent), but hey, it's doable. And I have 3 days to shop around for better financing.

I met up with my friends for happy hour and first friday, and we had fun. Now I'm back home with my little Parker baby, eating pringles, and am pretty generally happy.

Fukit

I am hanging on a thread, stuck in limbo. Fuck the post office... since when is it OK to take an overnight package back to the post office and then have all the way til 5pm the next day to deliver it? Not cool, man.

Looks like there will be no work for me today since I'm stuck at home waiting on this damned government agency. They should reimburse me for this day.




Postnote: I really don't have problems with the post office normally - just the last couple of days.

Floorplan

This morning I set up the electric for my new apartment. Since I've had an account with them before, and because my credit was good, I didn't have to put any deposit down. The only set-up cost will be $28 + tax on my first bill. Yes! So, now I'm looking at my floorplan and trying to figure out how to set up my new living space. Here's what I have so far.
 
I want to have a king-size bed from now on, so I checked the dimensions of the sleeping area vs. the size of the mattress. The mattresses are pretty much 7' by 6', which will fit decently. IKEA has a memory-foam pillowtop mattress for $700 with a $100 base, which, if I stack them together, will be almost a regular size height, even though I won't be getting a bed frame until (much) later.

See the little division between the living and sleeping areas? I decided to put a bookshelf there, as a sort of wall. The bookshelf will be open on both sides (no back), and deep enough so that I can stack books on both sides of the shelf. This will also allow me more space since I have a TON of books (once they get here, that is).

Here is the shelf I found at IKEA for $130. It's about five feet tall, so I can put some stuff on top. It was either a bookshelf or a japanese screen, and the bookshelf serves a multiple purpose.

I haven't decided what to do with the living area yet. I would like to get a little computer desk in there, if I ever get my desktop pc (which I should, because I paid for it myself).

As for the eating area, I might get a little table, or I might just get a couple of barstools, although the bar area is pretty narrow. I'm still undecided on a couch. I will wait to see how much more space the place has with a bed and bookshelf.

I still have no idea how much stuff I'll be getting back from Florida, but, I have Parker. Next, I would like my clothes and my books. If I don't get my artwork & knicknacks back I'll be kinda sad, but I can deal with that. The thought also crossed my mind - he shouldn't make any kind of stink about paying to ship my things, because I'm leaving so much of my old furniture there: a complete bedroom set, artwork, plasma tv, two bookshelves, a chair, bedding, an entire kitchen set including appliances, and more. I haven't talked to him about that yet, but if he brings it up, then I'll remind him of that fact. Again, if he's going to make an issue out of it, that's fine. I'll deal with it. I just want this nightmare to over and done with.

Maybe....

My whole world has the possibility of falling together.... today.

One Step & Waiting

I just got back from picking up Parker at the airport, and I'm pretty much bawling like a big (mature) baby. She is poking around the room, sniffing and eating and being awesome.

The package I was waiting for today will be delivered tomorrow, since I guess the post office needed to hand it to a physical person. I'll just stay home tomorrow morning until it gets here, then take the documents in to work.

Sometimes...

... I just want to cry.

But what's the point?

Maybe I'm becoming too much of a whiner lately.

Big Day Ahead

Tomorrow I could either be really good or really bad. It all hinges on the bad boy in Florida.

I am expecting an overnight package tomorrow morning with my social security and passport - work needs one or the other to process my I9 form. If it doesn't get here tomorrow, I don't know what'll happen. Also supposed to be included in that package is a check. Depending on the size of the check, I *might* be able to go to CarMax this weekend and get a new car.

Also supposed to be arriving tomorrow is PARKER! If everything goes as planned (knocking on wood, crossing fingers and everything else), she will be landing in Phoenix at 9:39 tomorrow night. I stopped by the pet store today and got her a new litter box and some food. Damnit, I forgot the littler box liners. Oh well, I can use a trash bag.

I also found out today that I don't have to wait 6 months to start contributing to my 401k; I can start immediately. Awesome.