Something has been bothering me lately. Well, several things actually. Why is it that people are OK with believing lies about me while I'm being threatened not to tell anyone the truth about him? Why is it that I got the dirty end of the deal? I was lied to, cheated on, physically and verbally abused,threatened, and now dirty lies are being told about me. While HE gets off scott-free - with friends saying "I can't believe she left you! and for another guy! and she took your money! What a little piece of trash!"
Secondly, what's been bothering more lately is that HE twisted my head to make me believe that I provoked his physical attacks on me. Yes, there was a time when I slapped his face... but that was because he yanking me by the arm, yelling, calling me names and accusing me of things that I just *don't* do. That doesn't justify an attack while I'm laying in bed, having my head slammed against the corner of a nightstand, having his face all up in mine, yelling, threatening to kill me, to really hurt me, because he *could*. The second time I did absolutely nothing to provoke him, but he used the face-slapping reason again. Sitting naked in a tub full of water, he was up in my face, yelling "whore" at me. I never even saw the blow coming but it was so hard hit my head on the bottom of the tub, underneath the water. I did *nothing* to deserve that. And then the last night... another one in bed, up in my face, saying he could kill me, that I should really be grateful for what I had because so many other girls would love to be in my position.
But what really bothers me right now is that the FEAR is so much greater now than it was. I have periods where I'm sitting, remembering, and start shaking at the memories. It brings back other memories, of my first boyfriend and his violent temper, of incidents in my childhood, of other, less violent, but nonetheless frightening, experiences. At times I am entirely incapacitated by these memories and sit like a zombie, hands trembling on my keyboard or desk.
And I realize now that the physical attacks and verbal abuse are just as bad as him bringing hookers up to his hotel room...
I would love to say that I will never let myself be put into that position again, but at this point, I am very much doubting my instincts and my trust in men is pretty much destroyed right now.
This week I have no plans (yet) and am trying to take some time for myself... to think, to find myself again, to start healing. Apparently, the wound was deeper than I thought, since the shock has worn off.
But I miss him. I miss the stability. I miss his funny jokes, spontaneous dances, the way he burst into song, his voice impersonations, his professional demeanor wen work called, and the way he called us a 'family'.
He never said he was sorry.
I am so mixed up inside.
Not to sound callous or cliche, but as someone who just got out of a pretty fucked up relationship with different levels of abuse going on... I'd consider talking to someone about it, like a therapist. It's helped me out tremendously and, even though things are still difficult from time to time, I've been able to find some internal peace with my situation. I started having really intense flashbacks about a month or two later and experiencing some triggers... time does help, so does looking out for yourself, but I hope it gets easier to deal with in the meantime.
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