Surviving

It's been almost two months since I've received any sort of check for florida boys' loans or debts. I will survive! I have to keep telling myself this, with twenty-five dollars in the bank which is earmarked for my psychiatrist co-pay on Thursday, and a quarter tank of gas left in the car to make it til Friday. I did get some lunches at the store the other day, so I won't go entirely hungry, but it'll be tight. The good news is that I'm losing weight - down to a solid 118 now (sometimes less).

In good news, I get paid on Friday, and two weeks after that, I get another check, and a bonus check. And hopefully a check from florida in between now and then. That would be awesome. I'm looking forward to paying off my credit cards and that loan. Ideally, I'll do that before getting any more furniture, but we'll see what happens.

In mental news, I'm now taking 60 mg of Cymbalta each morning, and xanax as needed. I can usually tell I need it when I start getting tense and my chest tightens up, making it hard to breathe. Like now. I've gone without for two days, but... I also slept about 2/3rds of the weekend. Again. That was without xanax. What's up with that? Is that a sign of depression? Excessive sleep? It felt like I needed it... or was too lazy to get up...

I also have my first psychiatrist appointment Thursday afternoon. I'm scared.

Life's Little Ironies

I've learned a few things in the past week.

1) Xanax will Knock.You.Dafuck.Out.
2) Cymbalta seems to be helping?
3) Racy photos on FB make for some interesting conversation with old school friends.
4) Remember sports attorney guy? Busted for 'luring' underage girls.

I feel like I dodged a bullet on the last one. Because I totally would have dated him if he had been ready for a relationship. And guess what? It would have been a complete deja vu of my whole last relationship.

As for the photos...well, the photo isn't really racy, but it does show some cleavage... This one guy from school has been on & off again checking with me to see if I'm single and if I'm ever going to visit North Carolina in the near future. He turned out pretty great himself, but I'm not going there. To North Carolina, or to see or hang out with anyone from school. Ha.

The meds... well, I was previously only on Cymbalta, and I was experiencing this weird side effect which made it hard to breathe. It felt like I was leaking oxygen before it got to my lungs. The doctor said it was anxiety, even though I wasn't *feeling* anxious and that my body was going through a minor panic attack. So he put me on Xanax. And boy did that help. I was super tense in my back and shoulders and was unconsciously grinding my teeth a lot, and worrying, worrying, worrying. Since I started taking that though, I've been grinding my teeth much less, and far less tense, and am not so obsessed with things that I can't change. It also knocked me on my backside for at least 2/3rd's of the weekend. From Friday night to Sunday night, I must have been awake only about 15 hours. That's stretching it.

The doctor is still trying to get a referral to a psychiatrist which accepts my insurance. Once we get that set up, I'll be going to see him fairly regularly, I imagine, and eventually get weaned off the meds altogether. To that end, I changed my work shift so that I have an extra hour in the afternoon to go to all of these appointments. I now work from 7:30-4. I don't mind getting up early - it seems to make the day go by faster, so it's a win-win.

That's all for now. I'm going to play a game of age of empires.

Funny

Funny how sometimes things bother me, then I take some time to think it over, and, come to find out, I don't really care.

This applies to the prior post.

Day Two of meds begins today. Hopefully it's not as rough as yesterday - I felt like a yoyo careening every which way, and at the end of the day, couldn't even go to sleep and work up an untold number of times.

Wish me luck.

Sad.

So... it was inevitable. I found pictures of the bad florida boy and his new girlfriend, who he ended up taking on the very next agent trip the month after I left. She's pretty. She looks nice. Poor girl. But... I'm upset. Of course I knew he was seeing other people (hookers)... that's why I left. But...  now they're off having fun with all of my old friends, and I'm sitting here, doped up on depression meds in a half-furnished apartment, $15k in debt that isn't being paid, and warring with myself.

Sigh.

I feel like a failure. Every relationship I try to have ends up in failure.  Every.Single.One.

I'm such a fuck up.

And such a fucked up person.

but I KNOW... I know. I know.

And now the damned nausea is back.

Day One

Well, this is interesting. Today I started taking anti-depressions meds. I have run the gamut from feeling heavy limbed, light-headed, like I was in a bubble (if I poked it, it would burst), sleepy, wide-awake, feeling like my brain is wrapped in bubble-wrap (don't ask), focused!, panicy, and so on and so forth.

The dr says it may take a few days to even out...

He's also looking into a psychiatrist for me b/c I think I may be either 1) bi-polar, 2) ADD, or 3) both.

Yeepers Jeebers.

Meltdown

Last night, I went out with some friends for a birthday party. Ben was there as well. He's been very understanding of my whole 'time and space' feelings.

Well, everyone got drunk. And I had a meltdown. Fortunately, we were on the way home, and the thing that triggered it was Ben stating that I was ignoring him. I probably was, but it wasn't intentional - I was just having a good time with my friends. In retrospect, he probably felt a little out of place since he didn't really know anyone there, and I can totally understand that. But at the time, I felt like in light of our whole conversation about needing time and space, it was unfair of him to say. But that's not what this is all about.

We got back to my place, and I had looong drunken conversation all about how I have been feeling lately and how I really do need the time and space and about how fucking confused I've been. The conversation escalated into a discussion of whether or not there really are any good people out there, and if there are, what does it matter, because life is just utterly futile. You do something good, you die. The person you did something good for dies. Everyone dies. We're like a huge ant-mound, little flecks of matter in this gigantic universe.

Ben doesn't want me messing around with other girls. I can understand. But he also needs to understand that that attraction is part of who I am. As I've repeatedly said, I'm done with letting other people dictate who I am. Apparently I need to find someone who is OK with that side of me, whether it be threesomes or just a little adventure on the side.

We, well, *I* went to sleep as the sun was coming up. Poor Ben. He feels bad. I feel bad. Neither one of us know what to do.

We usually hang out on Sundays, but not today. I wish I knew what he was thinking,  but I don't think HE even knows that right now.

Wine Talking? No... Maybe?

This might be the two glasses of wine talking, but maybe I'm just destined to be fucked up in the head, and maybe I should just deal with it. Maybe I'm doomed to be confused... torn this way and that... vacillating between two completely different, opposing, schools of thought. And I'm talking about relationships here, nothing else, because everything else I think I have mainly (partly?) figured out. I'm SO FREAKING CONFUSED. And I can't make myself take much time alone. Maybe I'm just not good company. That's something to think about. How can other people like being around myself when I'm bored being around myself all the time? But it's not that I'm bored, it's that I'm just... wanting to BE with someone. To talk to, to exchange sarcastic eye contact with... to laugh with.

GARR.

O, I want to cry... but why?! Why, why, why. And yes, I promise, it's only been 2 glasses of wine. Maybe I'm just getting better at acknowledging my feelings?! At least, the conflict between them? I know I must be driving some people crazy with my conflicting statements and requests and actions.

WHAT IS THIS CALLED? IS THIS COMMON? WHY AM I FEELING THESE WAYS?

At any rate, this is my writing for the night.

Time

I hope I did the  right thing. I told Ben that I need more time alone because I'm not emotionally available to invest in a relationship right now. I think we're still going to see each other, but not as much. I think he understands. I hope so.

Next, I need to look up my old dr and see about getting a prescription to anti-depression meds, and also to check with my insurance to see if it covers therapists or counselors or something of the like.

I feel so messed up inside - and it makes me feel worse to realize that I might actually need external (chemical) influences to help. I know it shouldn't.

I made an excel spreadsheet with some daily/weekly goals that I'd like to keep track of, for example, playing with the kitties (toys, not petting) for at least 15 minutes a day (for their own health), some form of exercise, some form of writing, limit on daily intake of coffee (since I can't sleep when I drink much, and when I don't sleep, I get cranky), and maybe some other things. We'll see how that goes.

I'm crossing my fingers here - hoping that all of this will help and that I'll be back to my normal carefree self in little time.

Also in my goals are plans to pay off my credit cards (of course) and get a real office desk and a couch. I think once all of those things fall in place then I'll be feeling better as well.

I know I'm going to get lonely, but maybe that's part of the healing process?

So Confused

I think the title says it all. I'm pretty damn confused about a lot of things lately. I don't want to put it all out there until I've had more of a chance to think and talk it over, but my insides are like a quarreling maelstrom of thoughts and questions and indecision.

It's not fair to anyone.