Meltdown

Last night, I went out with some friends for a birthday party. Ben was there as well. He's been very understanding of my whole 'time and space' feelings.

Well, everyone got drunk. And I had a meltdown. Fortunately, we were on the way home, and the thing that triggered it was Ben stating that I was ignoring him. I probably was, but it wasn't intentional - I was just having a good time with my friends. In retrospect, he probably felt a little out of place since he didn't really know anyone there, and I can totally understand that. But at the time, I felt like in light of our whole conversation about needing time and space, it was unfair of him to say. But that's not what this is all about.

We got back to my place, and I had looong drunken conversation all about how I have been feeling lately and how I really do need the time and space and about how fucking confused I've been. The conversation escalated into a discussion of whether or not there really are any good people out there, and if there are, what does it matter, because life is just utterly futile. You do something good, you die. The person you did something good for dies. Everyone dies. We're like a huge ant-mound, little flecks of matter in this gigantic universe.

Ben doesn't want me messing around with other girls. I can understand. But he also needs to understand that that attraction is part of who I am. As I've repeatedly said, I'm done with letting other people dictate who I am. Apparently I need to find someone who is OK with that side of me, whether it be threesomes or just a little adventure on the side.

We, well, *I* went to sleep as the sun was coming up. Poor Ben. He feels bad. I feel bad. Neither one of us know what to do.

We usually hang out on Sundays, but not today. I wish I knew what he was thinking,  but I don't think HE even knows that right now.