O.o

You, my reader, are in for treat. The Beth is Buzzed. And writing!

I find it absofuckinghilarious that the guy I dated for a while, who got busted for soliciting 14-year old girls online to meet him for oral sex (them on him) has created a website in order to protect children from the harmful effects of porn and sexual predators online.

Waddyathink?

In other news, some guy from OK, that I barely remember, was chatting me up on FB tonight. He said he keeps getting his 'hart broken'. I thought he was talking about a deer, and wondered why he would want to break it.

I'm on the last glass from a bottle of Chardonnay. No, I didn't drink the entire thing. Ben had at least half a glass of it. He stopped by for a little while earlier tonight.

Speaking of Ben, he asked me to move in with him when my lease is up. As I wrote before, the idea has been freaking me out, but we talked this weekend. And regardless of what I decide, I have three whole months to do it in. That's a decent amount of time, right? I told him that I don't feel ready yet, and we talked about my reservations. He said that he understand if I'm not ready by then.

He's such a good guy. I'm sure I don't deserve him. Yeah, he's not *perfect*, but then, who is? Certainly not me.

I go through periods of self-loathing. This week has been one of them. I loathe that I loathe myself. I loathe that I don't discipline myself to write more. I loathe my 'weak' periods when I prefer relaxation over study or work. Then I loathe that I can't just accept myself for who I am, and accept that relaxation is necessary. I loathe that I lack finesse, then I loathe the fact that I loathe that lack thereof, due to that the fact I am still learning that fine art, and that I have come a long way in the past few years.

I'm listening to "The Temple of the Cat" by Ayreon. Brilliant artist. Eccentric, but brilliant.

That's all.

A Spare Evening

I barely know what to do with myself tonight. There is nothing that absolutely needs to be done!

Yesterday I took my dreaded LOMA test that I've been cramming for, and passed it, but also signed up for another class, which is due on March 31st. So, I *could* study for that, but really am not feeling up for it. Not after all that cramming.

I think I have a very real stress problem. And the xanax isn't cutting it. All it does it knock me out. Last night, I went over to Ben's... so on edge. I took 1/2 a xanax, ate the bowl of pasta he made me, watched 15 minutes of a UFC fight, and promptly fell asleep on the couch until 1am. That's not fun... how I can make a relationship work if I'm always stressed, always working on something, or always sleeping?

Tonight was supposed to be my 'relaxing' night. No school, no work, no exercise. Instead, I'm worrying about getting fat (because I ate a bag of popcorn), studying for my next LOMA class, and upcoming events.

I did take a nice hot bath though. And made a delicious, healthy dinner consisting of yellow squash and a chicken & shrimp fajita, with raw diced tomatoes, black olives, red onion and jalapenos. Lots of fresh foods.

And I did watch a movie - Parent Trap. The Lindsey Lohan version. Then I got all stressed out.

At least tomorrow is Friday. My boss has lately only been in the office on Friday, thanks to work trips, and so I'm sure the day will pass by quickly as we'll be in and out of meetings. *crosses fingers that that will be the case* A raise would still be nice too...

Tonight, I considered reading a book. Then stressed out trying to figure out which book. It *has* to be something beneficial, not just luxurious, and not part of a series, and not too long, and not a stupid short story, and not too engrossing so that I'll go to bed on time... I decided not to read anything.

And now... child's pose to relieve some stress...

I can't believe I'm stressing about stress... how stupid is that?! Don't tell me.

**postscript**
I didn't get to write about PounceQuick is back to his normal health and playfulness. I had to put him to sleep on Monday. :'-(

Today I...

Went to work, and it passed by super-fast.
Ordered PeiWei for lunch, because I had a BOGO coupon for their new dish, Thai Basil Chicken.
Spontaneously bought a gigantic chocolate chip cookie.
Went back to the psychiatrist.
Got a prescription for a new med.
Picked up said prescription.
Filled my car with gas.
Stopped by the vet to pick up a food syringe.
Came home, to find someone finally towing away the dead car next to me.
Force-fed Pounce baby food with the syringe.
Got baby food (mixed vegetables and chicken) all over the carpet and my clothes.

The Other Step Back

Last post had a lot of good things going for it. This post is bit of a downer.

PounceQuick the Playful is sick. I took him to the vet today, and discovered that he had a fever. Cats' regular temperature is between 100-102. Pounce was at 104.8. The vet is running some bloodwork, and gave him a shot of antibiotics for the fever. The results of the bloodwork and tests should be in tomorrow. In the meantime, that put $300 back on the card I just paid off, and PounceQuick is worrying me very much. He won't eat, he won't drink. He won't pee, he barely walks. He's obviously dehydrated, but when I put him  in front of his water bowl or food, he rears back from it, like it makes him nauseous. He won't even eat the canned food he loves so much, or chicken broth, or canned tuna. :'( I'm scared I'm going to lose him.

Hopefully, next week I'll be writing a post all about how much better he is, back to his old self and annoying me. ...

I've also scheduled an appointment to go back to the psychiatrist. I told her I want to talk about any non-med treatments, but I think the main focus this week is going to be anxiety.

Work is still going well. *thumbs up* I'm also working from home a few hours a week for an iphone app. Also studying for LOMA. I'm going to do that when I finish this post, until Ben gets here. He's so nice, coming over when I'm all concerned about PounceQuick...

Two Steps Forward, One Back

So, I realize that I forgot to update my blog when I hit one of my milestones:

I PAID OFF A CREDIT CARD!

My federal tax refund was exactly one dollar more than the balance on my largest card. I was so afraid it wasn't going to cover it all, but it did! That same night, I had a panic attack out of nowhere... for no reason. I was laying in bed and suddenly couldn't breathe. Since then I've had a few more. But that's not the step backward.

The step backward is... I went shopping. I ordered stuff from VS online, went to Last Chance for some workout and work tops (granted, I only spend $30 there, that's the beauty of Last Chance), I ordered a watch online, and I ordered some shoes online. I needed the stuff from VS - most of it, anyway, and the stuff from last chance, and the watch was a great online deal, and pretty inexpensive, but the shoes... didn't need those. Even though they are awesome steampunk mary-janes. At least I didn't get a purse. Yet. I've been wanting to get a new purse for over a year now. You can make 'purse' plural if you want to.

I went to the Dr. today to get a refill of Xanax. He didn't want to give it to me... he did anyway, but really pushed me to get back in touch with the psych. And when I got home, I had two letters from the psych (identical letters) in my mailbox. Coincidence? I reallllly don't want to go back on the meds again. And the lab work every 9 days? Please no. But if I keep getting anxiety attacks and my Dr won't want to refill, I might have  to go back. :-(


I've also been looking around at tattoo shops in town... I want to get my seadragon redone into something more artsy, and I want to get a Pegasus. And a nose stud. But, there are other things I need to get first. Namely, a coffee table, since mine is a big cardboard box, a bedframe, side tables, a computer desk, new silverware, another credit card paid off, and a loan paid off.

Maybe that's why I've been having anxiety attacks...